Of Death and Pity

December 11, 2011

Sunday

7:00AM

My dying face.
LOL. ♥

I almost died. Not once, not twice but several times.

It was a sunless morning. The clouds are somehow dim, indicating that it is going to rain sometime soon. I wonder what I am going to do. I only have 100 pesos and I need to go home. I need to save every single peso that I could so I decided to wait for an Alabang bus rather than riding a jeepney and ride a bus on the terminal. As I was standing there, waiting, I decided to walk. I knew that it would take some time before an Alabang non-aircon (only non-aircons give student fares, damn those HM aircon buses and the likes that don’t give us students what we rightfully deserve) comes.

While walking, I reflected. I thought about almost everything. And reflecting that very moment seem to be no good.  Aside from overthinking, I almost died.  Countless of cars rushed by my side, around 5 inches away from me. Had I inclined a little to the left at the wrong moment, I could have been in the news by now. Hit and run. But that realization came to me long after the car has passed. That’s how ethereal I am because of thinking.

Then I happened to pass by Ministop. Memories flooded. It all suddenly came back to me. I used to go there once with his dad. It’s very hard to forget things especially when they are associated to almost everything f your being. My friend, Angel, once told me, “stop associating everything you see and everything you do with him… Kaya hindi ka nakakalimot eh.”  True enough.  But I’ll get to that later. ♥

The main point here is I realized how pitiful I am. No. Being poor is not pitiful, but what I’ve done is. And what happened minutes before was shameful - utterly shameful.

The time has come for us to come home after a night’s fun during the Alumni homecoming of our brods and sisses of the organization. I really wonder. I don’t have any money with me. So I tried my luck and asked my orgmates to lend me some money. But to no avail. I wasn’t very close enough to most of them so I can’t really ask them. It’s shameful. So I asked my batchmates first. But like me, they didn’t have spare money to give. It’s Saturday, I know. So what can I do? I’m desperate. I need to go home.  I practically asked everyone around.

 I am practically penniless. I don’t want to specify and elaborate the breakdown of where my allowance for the week went but basically I ran out of money. Too many things have to be paid and my mother didn’t give me enough. I don’t want to text her either to say, “Mom, di pa po ako bayad sa apartment…” I do not want to bother her. I know that if my mom has the money, she will definitely go to he nearest Landbank  to deposit some to my account. So I made my ‘moves’ and tried to suffice everything that I should pay. Luckily though, I was able to pay the apartment fee, my share for electric consumption for two months, and my food expenditure for the week. With the 700 pesos that my mom gave me for the week, you and I very well know that it will never be enough.

So I ran to my friends sometime Wednesday to borrow some money. Fortunately, they gave me some. By Friday, it still isn’t enough. By Friday night, I realized I don’t have any money aside from some 25cents in my wallet.

And that’s how I came to Saturday without any money and not knowing where I would get it next. I do not hate my mom. Though for a moment there, I was really pissed off. I mean, hey, how can one survive with only 700 pesos and has 1800 to pay? Plus, of course, the expenses for that week too.

Good thing I had extra money of a thousand. But that’s barely it. So I decided to thrift again. I do not want to experience the same hell again. I do not want to go through another shameful series of “pautang naman”. I once said that I would not deprive myself of anything since the break-up. For what? I do not have any reason to thrift; I don’t have a date on the weekends.  So I’m breaking that rule now. I will save money, until I think it’s enough. And not use that money until really emergency purposes. It’s really hard to experience having no money at all.