Of Privacy and Misunderstandings

I should have been doing something more important than writing this blog entry. I should have been doing my 10-page narrative script due tomorrow.

But I couldn't help it. I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate if I forced myself to go acads mode.

This is mainly the reason why nowadays I prefer a personal diary. A personal diary would never, ever betray you. Plus, it isn't prone to misunderstandings. It's really sad that all the things you put online, though you think no one will read it anyway so it's fine, can be used against you.Seriously. Enough.

I hate the feeling that I cannot convey my feelings well.
I hate the feeling that I cannot get my points through.
I hate the feeling that I am not effective as a communicator, let alone practice Development Communication if this simple expression of feelings, someone out there is offended.

I mean not to offend so I'm saddened that someone is.
I mean not to hurt so I'm saddened that someone is.

Also, I mean no harm, I just want to express my innermost thoughts and feelings so I am saddened that someone actually thinks I'm some obnoxious crazed ex who does nothing but to create social networking accounts so that I can freely rant on the internet.


IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINKS OF ME THAT WAY.
But then again, why should I be affected? In the first place, that someone is in no place to judge me, or create assumptions of why I'm doing things. That someone doesn't know me.

IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT ALL THE RESPECTS I GAVE TO THAT SOMEONE ISN'T WORTH IT. I respect that someone enough not to rant about her, yet she still says I do. I respect that someone enough to keep a low profile and not openly criticize her in the net or anywhere. I just keep it to myself. And there she goes, tipping me off by posting "pathetic, if you ask me" as a description about my blog. O_O

SHE ALREADY SAID SORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT I AM JUST SAD. REALLY, REALLY SAD. Masyado mo kasing pinapalabas na napakasama kong tao. Na napaka immature ko. Na ako pa yung ayaw tumigil. For goodness sake! Wala akong ginagawang masama sayo. HINDI KO ALAM KUNG ANO YUNG MGA SINASABI MONG RANTS TUNGKOL SAYO.


Thinking now, AND I DID RANT ABOUT HER. TSK. But I swear, this is the first time. Dunno what she's talking about. Plus, I'm so bait when I posted a note to her ans she's like so galit nung nagreply. WTH? What am I doing to you?!

Sorry friends. just had to let it out. O_O
Malayo yung diary ko para magsulat. :P

Read More

An Open Letter to You. Yes You.

I rant.

Coz it's the only thing I can do.

I'm blue.

'Coz he left me for you.

Dear girl,

I think it's about time to address you. And I think it's about time that you know my side of the story.

Do you know what he said to me when he broke up with me? He said he's in love with somebody else. I was quite shocked, because I thought everything was fine between the two of us. In every way, I am clueless. Clueless that he fell out of love during the latter course of our relationship.

Empathize with me darling. Put yourself in my shoes. You love your boyfriend very, very much. And that didn't fade as the time passes by. In fact, the love you felt for him is exactly as strong as how you felt at the beginning, even growing stronger as each months pass by. The sparks didn't fade, that's why you're very much excited to go home every week to see him.
Then all of a sudden, you'll hear him say, "I love somebody else." Ever thought of how, exactly how much, did that hurt? I have no inkling whatsoever that he loses interest in me, in us. And when I asked him how long has he had an interest on you, he said 10 months. Dear, understand. Won't you be shocked if you knew that almost half of your relationship, was well, practically a lie?

Also, hear me out. He has had 10 months to get over me already, while I have only what? The day from November 20 up to now. And eversince Nov. 20, he has been very vocal and sweet about the love he felt for you which was actually his personality. I don't blame him or you for that. It's not your fault that you fell in love with each other. But, just imagine how would that make me feel. And imagine, that for the first few weeks of our break-up, I have been imagining on how he became so in love with you while still in a relationship with me. Of how he unconsciously flirts with you at school, and you smiling back at him. Or how both of you felt when chatting with each other while playing SIMS. I'm a writer. I'm a dreamer. Most of all, I'm a hopeless romantic. That is why I can very much imagine with such vividness. Try to think of yourself imagining the one you love the most having a nice, sweet time with another girl WHILE YOU ARE OUT THERE IN SOME PART OF THE UNIVERSE THINKING ABOUT HIM.

Let me quote you, "It's sad when people judge me, especially when they only knew me from my blogs and other social networking sites." I haven't said anything against you, or even posted anything that may demean your personality here, or even on blogger. Frankly, I have nothing against you. So it's really sad that you used the word "pathetic" to describe my blog entries. Forgive me for writing a blog full of hurt, anger, resentment and bitterness. Back then, it was the only outlet for my very vicious thoughts. If not for that 'pathetic' blog, I may have gone crazy now.

I'm not telling you this for you to laugh at how miserable I had become. I'm coping. I'm telling you this so you can understand what great impact it has caused me. The thing is, just because he broke up with me, doesn't mean it's over for me. I still had to get over the idea that the guy I love is already in love with someone else who's actually in love with him in return.

And words are failing me. No paragraph long enough can suffice for me to let you understand. You probably wouldn't, but at least I tried to let you know. It's about time.

Just a simple note ♥

I already posted this on Tumblr. But, what sense is there if an open letter to that person isn't actually read by that person? And yeah, I do think that the 'pathetic' blog you're talking about is this blog. Do not judge easily, dearest. This blog has been inactive since December 5. That's 2 weeks after the break-up. One cannot really blame me for ranting back then because the memory isn't just a simple memory, but a cruel reality that just recently happened.

As for the thing that how 'perfect' our relationship is, get this. Some poems are written while we're still together, I was still idealistic and love-blinded that I think it's perfect. C'mon. Every girl thinking they found the right one would think that. 

And another disclaimer, poems are literature works. A variety of meanings can be extracted and a lot of interpretations can be inferred from a very single poem. I have never said a word about claiming that "both of you are delusional to find each other in this crucial world " But, if that's how you interpret it, that's not on me anymore.

NYAHA!

Read More

A New Year’s Resolution

But... seriously? Haven’t all of us created a resolution but eventually failed in following so? Typical. Ningas Kugon.

So this year, I did not bother to create a long list of what I should do this year. But if what I’ve done is a “New Year’s Resolution” then so be it. I just committed myself to actually live by these.

This year, and hopefully, it will be carried on to the succeeding years (if the world will not end by Dec. 21 2012), I decided to have a positive outlook in life and lessen the drama. Though I know that by doing so, I actually lose myself. My identity. My personality. When you ask my friends, they all will say that I’m that “hyperactive, crazy person who has a lot of drama in her life”.  To make their description worse, “her life is actually not that dramatic.”

What can I do? I need an outlet. I need a place where I can release all the negative emotions pent up in my head so as not to be a true weirdo. And school is that place. I’m a crybaby at school. For whatever reasons, I cry. And until now, I’m thankful for my friends that are there for me, comforting me all the way through. Though, they are blunt enough to tell me how stupid crying over some trivial matter is.

It isn’t the same case back home. There, I need to be strong. I need to take in everything, and accept everything however negative that may be so that I can help my mom lessen her worries. Being the eldest child, I somehow have this innate personality to be responsible enough not to be an additional burden to my parents.

But then again, it’s hard. It’s hard to live with the pessimism. I know my mom and dad did not want me to be like this. I, too, don’t wanna live like this. It’s hard. But I cannot simply revert back. It’s not that simple. If it is, I should’ve saved myself several years of dealing with my personality.

So I thought about a way to help myself... and perhaps save me from this misery I’m going through. Maybe you’ll be asking, “why only now? Why have you decided to make a change only now?”

Well, the only reason I can think of is that I can’t bear it all anymore now. Back then, it was tolerable. Pessimism and the negativity is actually being a way for me to strive harder. The pressures that are on me served as motivations that I could still do better. That I have more that I can give. I can live up with academic pressures... the pressures related to the Supreme Student Government when I was still president... the pressures at home... I can bear with them all. Maybe because I know I am confident enough in myself that I can do it.

But now? No. the pressure is not healthy for me anymore. It’s eating me up alive. I lost my happy-go-lucky self. Yes, I am still laughing but I can feel they are just empty laughs. Self-pity, self-consciousness, weariness are beating the hell out of me. I’ve never felt this inferior before to anyone. Never. Now, my confidence about myself has been lost. I still believe in my skills, they are proven to be effective. But to me as a whole?

That’s the main reason why I need to have a positive outlook in life. So that I’ll skip away from my suicidal tendencies. The world is harsh, I know. But if I see it as bad as it is, well, I don’t know what’ll happen to me. I’ll be drowning in a sea of angsts, guilt, wallow and pity. I need to see the happiness of life. In order to do that, I must see to it that I find happiness in what I have.

Read More

A Short Love Story

This is not a love story.

Christmas day.  The sun is shining, everybody’s smiling. Indeed, everyone is in a light mood.

She went out with her family to the nearest mall to have some quality time together. It has been ages since they last went out. Like most families, they had issues – issues they are slowly recovering from. Nonetheless, they had fun. Sharing a single bucket popcorn in the cinema while watching the most in demand film of the season, they laughed as if nothing is ever important aside from being together. All of them are bothered, trivial concerns or not, each has his own share of burden.

Alas, it is the time to go home. They had a very tiring day, walking, shopping, and walking again. Walking side by side with her mom, she is oblivious to all the people around. Nothing is surprising. It’s Christmas day. True enough, the mall is filled with oh-so many nameless faces. As she is about to go to the exit, she heard, “Pst!" Instincts told her to look at the direction where the voice is coming from. Everything stopped. The moment stilled. Suddenly, there was just him and her. That’s why she looked even though she hasn't heard her name called.  Deep in her heart, she knew the voice. Deep in her heart, she knew that there is that little chance that they will meet. Indeed, it was him.

How long has it been since she last saw him? How long has it been since she has heard his voice? Has it been less than two months? Oh she has lost count. But it seems like it was such a long time ago.

Though the world seemed to stop, it didn’t actually. On impulse, she focused on the face of his caller and smiled. Smiled like they were very good friends. Then that was it. There was even no stopping to talk to each other and even say a little “hi” or “hello”.

After the realization struck her senses, she felt a hard pang on her chest. Question like, “Why the hell did I smile?,”  occurred to her. “It’s instinct,” she deliberated.

A lot of questions arose again. Questions she very well know that will remain unanswered. But she felt good inside. After everything, she felt light. Maybe, maybe it’s her Christmas wish… or the Lord’s way of helping her.  A step in getting the closure she wanted.

Read More

A System of Frailties and Faults

Long lines. Blazing sunlight. Dripping sweats. Murmured curses.

This is basically what one would experience earlier at the LANI Cayetano Scholarship Distribution at the Cayetano Sports Complex. Over 1000 college and masteral students alike are gathered there to receive financial assistance of five thousand up to thirty thousand EACH.

Filipino time. Call time was 12:30PM. I prepared at around 11:30 and started my journey to the event at around 12:10PM. And of course, I am late. Not in my wildest imagination have I imagined that I would experience being stuck in a heavy traffic jam.

So I was able to go to the venue by 2PM and boy! The place was... (I am lost for words here friends. Words would just be understatements.) There was a lot of people. Chaos? Perhaps. There's a lot of long, unorganized lines. A late comer like me would be overwhelmed. "Where the hell would I go there?" Truth be told, I was actually tempted to leave the place right there and then, but the stubbornness in me prevailed. If I backed out, all of my efforts would be ruined (plus the sacrifices I've done... there's a big opportunity cost in going there. I missed an activity in my beloved organization: UPLB DevComSoc.)

Also, it was really hot! The sun shining directly towards us. And imagine us being at shoulder-to-shoulder length with each other because of the unorganized lines. What's worse is, people keep shouting and complaining... out loud. And I was like, "Hey people. Please STFU. Save your carbon dioxide emissions cause it only makes the temperature here hotter. Also, if it weren't for this government in the first place, all of us wouldn't be here and none of us will receive at most 30k today. Can't you just please keep those violent reactions to yourself and just be thankful first? Ungrateful bitches." Of course, I kept that to myself. But, if looks can kill, most of the people in my sight have been dead by now... especially the girls preceding me. There was only actually a girl and a boy in front of me when suddenly, out of nowhere, 3 other girls, obviously their classmate or schoolmate, approached them and started talking to them. Few minutes later, these girls were planning to buy some drinks and they turned to me and said, "Ate, pabantay muna ha? Dito kami sa harap mo... Bibili lang po kami ng juice. :)" And I was like... (you know what.)

Also, I heard a mom of another student saying, "Grabe ang tagal sa unahan. Isa isa kasi kayong bibigyan ng stub. Kaya mabagal talaga ang usad." Another said, "Kasi naman eh, palakasan pala dito!" 


This got me thinking. Is the Philippine system this faulty? Padrino system is always a prevalent situation anywhere. When can we eliminate that? I hate to say it's inevitable. I don't want to lose hope in our country. I am a development communicator. If I do not believe that development and progress is still applicable to this country, why continue this field of study in the first place? I should just shift to Mass Communication or the likes.

Philippines is not yet a hopeless case. Yes, it is a matter of human empowerment. The problem in this scenario is the lack of discipline. Not only on the part of the government workers but on the part of the citizens as well. Look, if no one will be bold enough to bribe, no one would dare use his/her power in favor of a single person, and vice versa. If everyone has the integrity to uphold their duties rightfully, no one would be bribed.

This is a matter of discipline. So before we look at the system's mistake, might as well look first at our contribution to that bigger picture of frailties and faults.

Read More

Of Death and Pity

December 11, 2011

Sunday

7:00AM

My dying face.
LOL. ♥

I almost died. Not once, not twice but several times.

It was a sunless morning. The clouds are somehow dim, indicating that it is going to rain sometime soon. I wonder what I am going to do. I only have 100 pesos and I need to go home. I need to save every single peso that I could so I decided to wait for an Alabang bus rather than riding a jeepney and ride a bus on the terminal. As I was standing there, waiting, I decided to walk. I knew that it would take some time before an Alabang non-aircon (only non-aircons give student fares, damn those HM aircon buses and the likes that don’t give us students what we rightfully deserve) comes.

While walking, I reflected. I thought about almost everything. And reflecting that very moment seem to be no good.  Aside from overthinking, I almost died.  Countless of cars rushed by my side, around 5 inches away from me. Had I inclined a little to the left at the wrong moment, I could have been in the news by now. Hit and run. But that realization came to me long after the car has passed. That’s how ethereal I am because of thinking.

Then I happened to pass by Ministop. Memories flooded. It all suddenly came back to me. I used to go there once with his dad. It’s very hard to forget things especially when they are associated to almost everything f your being. My friend, Angel, once told me, “stop associating everything you see and everything you do with him… Kaya hindi ka nakakalimot eh.”  True enough.  But I’ll get to that later. ♥

The main point here is I realized how pitiful I am. No. Being poor is not pitiful, but what I’ve done is. And what happened minutes before was shameful - utterly shameful.

The time has come for us to come home after a night’s fun during the Alumni homecoming of our brods and sisses of the organization. I really wonder. I don’t have any money with me. So I tried my luck and asked my orgmates to lend me some money. But to no avail. I wasn’t very close enough to most of them so I can’t really ask them. It’s shameful. So I asked my batchmates first. But like me, they didn’t have spare money to give. It’s Saturday, I know. So what can I do? I’m desperate. I need to go home.  I practically asked everyone around.

 I am practically penniless. I don’t want to specify and elaborate the breakdown of where my allowance for the week went but basically I ran out of money. Too many things have to be paid and my mother didn’t give me enough. I don’t want to text her either to say, “Mom, di pa po ako bayad sa apartment…” I do not want to bother her. I know that if my mom has the money, she will definitely go to he nearest Landbank  to deposit some to my account. So I made my ‘moves’ and tried to suffice everything that I should pay. Luckily though, I was able to pay the apartment fee, my share for electric consumption for two months, and my food expenditure for the week. With the 700 pesos that my mom gave me for the week, you and I very well know that it will never be enough.

So I ran to my friends sometime Wednesday to borrow some money. Fortunately, they gave me some. By Friday, it still isn’t enough. By Friday night, I realized I don’t have any money aside from some 25cents in my wallet.

And that’s how I came to Saturday without any money and not knowing where I would get it next. I do not hate my mom. Though for a moment there, I was really pissed off. I mean, hey, how can one survive with only 700 pesos and has 1800 to pay? Plus, of course, the expenses for that week too.

Good thing I had extra money of a thousand. But that’s barely it. So I decided to thrift again. I do not want to experience the same hell again. I do not want to go through another shameful series of “pautang naman”. I once said that I would not deprive myself of anything since the break-up. For what? I do not have any reason to thrift; I don’t have a date on the weekends.  So I’m breaking that rule now. I will save money, until I think it’s enough. And not use that money until really emergency purposes. It’s really hard to experience having no money at all.

Read More

Reasons Why I'm Hurt

This poem is the second poem I’ve written after Recollection. Recollection is just a narrative poem of what has happened while this poem basically tells why I am hurt.

IT HURTS ME THAT YOU DON’T TRUST ME

By: ronagie

The only things that keep me going

Is writing poems that stops me from hurting

This makes me express my feelings for you

That once was oh so very true

I said that the other one was the last poem for you

I guess I lied, forgive me but I’m blue

I have no other thing to turn to unlike the way you do

You have your friends that helped you all the way through

While I have none, didn’t mean I didn’t have one

It’s just that I’m not ready to open myself to the fact that we’re done.

They’ll have a lot of questions I’m not yet ready to undone

I need time-and a lot of it, to cope up with what was gone

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not clinging or anything.

It’s just hard to accept your promises meant nothing

I have told you beforehand to just be truly honest with me

Instead what have you done? You led me in misery.

The fact that ten months have passed,

Should bother you very much.

Had you said it to me, we could have settled it once.

That’s why it hurts to know your trust in me is none

It hurt me very much that you told your friends of these

While we could have settled it inside our mists

You are my best friend, my partner, and my confidante

But amidst all these, you trust me none

But, try as I might, I’m not angry and scheming

As I’ve told you, I’m just in pain and is hurting

Let’s simply be casual and try to be friends for the moment

But baby not TOO casual, as though nothing had happened.

Coz it hurts to see you out there and already over what we’ve shared

While here I am, still grieving about the memories we’ve created

Read More