Reasons Why I'm Hurt

This poem is the second poem I’ve written after Recollection. Recollection is just a narrative poem of what has happened while this poem basically tells why I am hurt.

IT HURTS ME THAT YOU DON’T TRUST ME

By: ronagie

The only things that keep me going

Is writing poems that stops me from hurting

This makes me express my feelings for you

That once was oh so very true

I said that the other one was the last poem for you

I guess I lied, forgive me but I’m blue

I have no other thing to turn to unlike the way you do

You have your friends that helped you all the way through

While I have none, didn’t mean I didn’t have one

It’s just that I’m not ready to open myself to the fact that we’re done.

They’ll have a lot of questions I’m not yet ready to undone

I need time-and a lot of it, to cope up with what was gone

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not clinging or anything.

It’s just hard to accept your promises meant nothing

I have told you beforehand to just be truly honest with me

Instead what have you done? You led me in misery.

The fact that ten months have passed,

Should bother you very much.

Had you said it to me, we could have settled it once.

That’s why it hurts to know your trust in me is none

It hurt me very much that you told your friends of these

While we could have settled it inside our mists

You are my best friend, my partner, and my confidante

But amidst all these, you trust me none

But, try as I might, I’m not angry and scheming

As I’ve told you, I’m just in pain and is hurting

Let’s simply be casual and try to be friends for the moment

But baby not TOO casual, as though nothing had happened.

Coz it hurts to see you out there and already over what we’ve shared

While here I am, still grieving about the memories we’ve created

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A Letter to the Future Me

The first letter I have written after the break up, October 21, 2011. Mostly about my feelings and a summary of how it has happened.

Sorry if this post is too wordy. As you know, this was written less than a day after the break up so the momentum is still quite high and the feelings still vivid. Read to understand how I felt. I'll appreciate it. :) Btw, to compensate the wordiness of this article, I've included not-related photos of us together. Look, he's so kawaii! ♥

Hey laptop...

I guess it’s just you and me now. Yesterday was ... unexpected. Well, maybe in my subconsciousness, I know our relationship really wouldn’t last but I hoped it would.

Yesterday, he held up all his courage and told me he didn’t love me anymore. What hurt me and makes my heart skip even for now is the fact that he’s been keeping it to himself for 10 months now. He thought it was just an ordinary fling, that it will pass by.. that he’ll  learn to love me more. Obviously, he did not.

To the future me who’ll be reading this, forgive me for such clutter in the organization of ideas. My head is full of thoughts.. questions.. despairs and depressions. It really is too much to take. 

Taken in KFC, Grove, Los Baños. He came over to
escort me for the ROTC's social party.
I actually won Miss Social's Night. Oha? :) 

I realized, “Damn. I am so pitiful.” Yeah. I really am. I did my best.. my hardest.. and gave it my best shot for him to love me. Fortunately for me, he did. For a year or so. I asked him, “Give me a scale. How much do you love me?” He gave me a 93. What can I say? I did a great job right? But not as great as this girl. Obviously. She just walks there, and she steals the heart of the man i love. Without doing anything, she’s a 96. How much more if she has done something? Will she make him head over heels for her? The kind of love I wished he could have reciprocated to me. I guess, we aren’t just meant to be.  What’s there to say? What’s there to do?

I’ll be here as long as you need me to.. as long as you want me to. I’ve been saying that line to him ever since the start of our relationship. I know our foundation isn’t that good. That is why I’ve asked him to be totally honest with me. If ever he feels something, just tell it straight to my face. But I guess he didn’t honor that. He didn’t tell it to me. Instead, he waited for 10 months.

This my pendant, the partner of his,
that I bought as a present for our 23rd monthsary.
It states FOREVER, but as you all know...
That word is an allusion.
Don't believe it.

Now we’ve broken up, of course I am lonely, sad and bitter. Who wouldn’t be? I even pity myself. I long for the stability the relationship has offered me. It keeps me going. The simple fact that he is there... waiting for me is enough for me to go through the pain of being away from him. But now, I can’t hold on to that anymore. There’s no more him... no more us. So any person would hold on to what he’s got left. What’s there for me aside from my memories? Those sweet, sweet memories.

But, I can’t seem to trust my memories. You must forget future me, why I feel the way I feel now. We’ve had two years. Of course the one I could remember clearly are my recent memories. But I don’t seem to own them now. It seems like every time I remember the things that have happened in the last 10 months, another girl is beside me, smiling along with me. That if you were a third party looking at the scene, you might mistake him smiling at her, not at me.

I took all of this very easily yesterday when he told me. I know I would. From the very start, when people ask me about what I am going to do when we break up, I envisioned myself sitting beside him calmly hearing his side about the break up, weighing if it’s reasonable or not. I said to myself, the only reasonable thing that would make me not cling to him if he does not love me anymore. If it faded away, I’ll understand. I did, didn’t I?

I did a very good job yesterday.

 Even then… as I imagine that day, I know he’s going to be the one breaking up with me. Never had I imagined myself cheating on him. Oh. Such a strong word. He didn’t cheat on me. Yes, future me. He didn’t cheat on us. He waited 10 months to weigh his feelings before telling me because he loved me enough not to hurt me.

The thing is, I am not ready that there is someone else. I don’t know how to react to that. Well, yesterday, I took it calmly because a break-up is just too much to bear for one day. I didn’t know how I could hold my feelings so I will not totally collapse in front of him. I did cry of course. I guess it’s inevitable not to.

There! This is the partner of the couple
pendant above. ^_^
This was taken during our date as we sat on one
of the benches at SM Mall of Asia.
I repeat...
forever is an illusion.

But now, well actually last night, when I’d allowed myself to cry once more, I thought and thought. Truth be told, I overthink. Is he really thinking of me back in the PMMA while he was there? Is it really me he has considered of when he thought of quitting? He said I shouldn’t worry because, yes, I was the one he’s been thinking of there. Oh well, he even added I am the one he’s been thinking of when he’s with me. Sure enough. But is that supposed to appease me? Shame on him if he’s with me and he’s thinking of other girls- well, other girl for that matter. He’s only with me for what? Once every week!

It’s not my fault I went to UPLB in the first place, isn’t it? Long distance really have killed us. Well, him actually. And he killed me in turn. In addition to the 10 months, he said that it has been 3 months now since he discovered that he loved the girl more. How painful do you think it is for me when he said that? He even stated, with every excruciating detail how he knew. He said it’s because he’s had sleepless nights because of her, thinking of her. That he even dreamt of her? That he remembers her face subconsciously when he walks down the road. He should be thinking of me those times, doesn’t he? It’s just so painful when the one I love that keeps me going everyday in LB is not even thinking of me. Even while typing this, I get misty eyed. I don’t want to cry though.

DO I LOVE HIM? As much as I want to say no, I think I love him. Not loved him. Love him. Or do I really? I really don’t know. I’m sad and broken-hearted yes, but I didn’t cry a liter of tears. I am mourning yes, but is not really that mournful. Am i just saying this as a defense mechanism? To lie to myself just to get even? Am I just in denial? 

I really am confused with what I am feeling. 

I'm too young to know what love really is. And I've nothing to com pare these feelings to. But the sure thing is, I did care for him. Even now. I still want to caress him, to hold his hand and just stay by his side. Future me, if you will be reading this, answer this for me. Did I love him?

This picture is taken, obviously, at an LRT, as we are about to
go home after the super fun Star City Galore with him and my sister
last April 29, 2011. :) He will be leaving the day after for his PMMA
training so we had spent the time together.
Such vivid memory. ♥

The only thing I’ve been dreading now is the future. For all of what has happened, I can very much say to my very being that the break-up has done nothing to me. I can clearly remember myself this past few months whining and cursing things like, “It seems like I don’t have a boyfriend!” Maybe my feelings have cooled off too. Who knows? But the only sure thing is that it’s now official.  I really don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

I don’t know what to do. This feels like it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship and a through a break up. For what it’s worth then I’ll say yes. This is the very first relationship I had let myself be too involved. So it do feel like it’s the first time.

But what's done is done. It should all be in the past now. As I am thinking last night, reality hit me. The stability I long for isn’t there anymore. My plans and dream for the future is shattered. Then I realized, there’s nothing I want for myself that won’t include him at the end of the day. I’ve built my whole life around him. His friends are my friends. Our high school friends. Though we’ve moved on to our college lives, I did not fully immerse myself with my friends because I have him. He’s my best friend.

I lost my best friend. As this realization struck me, I smiled. Yes, the only thing that hurts me the most is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person whom I can call every time I want to hang out. The person I can call whenever I’m sad and depressed to cheer me up. The person I can tell all my rants to.

Well, this is the photo I created as an extra gift for
our 2nd anniversary. :) It is a collage of the pictures we've had
together for the two year duration of our relationship.
Such sweet memories. ♥

He’s my confidante, my best friend, my partner, my everything. The stability he offers is just too huge. To have it taken away from me so suddenly is like snatching a candy from a child.

I’ll try to catch up with Rana and be better friends with Nel. Future me, if you are reading this now, which may be 5, 10 years after, better be sure that you are still friends with these persons. I realized that I have made a huge mistake on drifting apart from them because I had a boyfriend. In Rana’s case that is. In Nel’s, it’s because, the only thing that psyched me up is meeting my boyfriend during the weekends so I could not bond properly with my friends over there at UP. I’ll really catch up.

As for my own case, since the break-up (I make it sound like it happened long ago when it fact it isn’t even 24 hours. Haha), the future’s been very open for me. A lot of possibilities have been opened. Am I going to be an old maid? Haha. I can clearly picture myself years from now without anyone. Maybe Im just getting ahead of myself. The only sure thing here is, I will never, ever do that anymore. The way I flirted with him and made him fall for me. If a guy don’t come in front of me and says that he loves me, then so be it. I’ll just then be an old maid.

But, as i speak of these things, how if i met a guy who I really, really love? More than i loved him? Will I take the risk? I don’t know. Guess I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. Future me, have you already been in that bridge? I guess, that’s for me to find out years from now, isn’t it?

"The future is a dark, mysterious and scary place. But play the present well, and you won’t be afraid anymore."

Wilfred, 

Thanks for everything Wilfred. I don’t know what to do with our photos and every memories but Ill guess I’ll cherish them as I cherished you. I am happy because I’ve known you and because you’ve made me happy too.

I remember what my Speech Com teacher has told me, “It’s best for a college couple to break up then just get back together again. It’s healthier and you’ve had certain purposes in life. Not just things that revolve around the two of you.” I kinda agree with him now. But not before because, as you know, I am dreading the day we’ll break up. Is it wishful thinking that maybe 5, 10 years from now, if our paths have crossed again, you will realize you loved me really? Is it hopeless for me to think that the person who I loved will be the person I’ll love for the rest of my life, maybe not now but years from now?

Thanks for reading! :)

Ronagie

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The break up resolution list

So there. I just randomly clicked this in my folder: Letters Like a Diary. I've written all the files inside there during the first week of our break up, when the emotion was still so strong... when the momentum of writing was still there. 

I wrote this list maybe 3 days after, so that's October 23. I wanted to have a concrete checklist as to see my progress. Sometimes kasi,no, make that most of the time. hahaha! Tayong mga Filipino, sa una lang magaling. 

I wanted to make myself better. It's saddening to know that deep in my heart back then, it's still for him... for him to realize what he has lost. I don't blame myself. Maybe it's just a natural reaction, an impulse we women share. 

A break up resolution list. Must dos! Top priority.

1. Keep feelings intact.

                -don’t flirt

                -behave self

                -don’t go screaming for boys again! TOP PRIORITY

                -never show any inclination for boys

                -let the guy tell you he loves you first before you do. Otherwise, yes, you’ll be happy. For a year or so, then he’ll just find another girl whom he loves more… just like Wilfred.

2. Be prettier, a lot prettier.

                -take care of self

                -better hygiene (do cosmetics, lotion for the body and facial care)

                -know how to dress properly.

                -learn to have the “without effort pretty look”

3. Take care of health.

                -eat three times a day in LB.

                -eat snacks.

                -don’t hoard money if it’s for food! (remember, you don’t need to save money anymore, you don’t have a date on the weekends.)

                -eat a variety of foods.

                -drink a lot of water in LB not just every meal. That’s why your stomach gets bloated whenever you eat!)

                -have a proper exercise regimen (if not everyday, every other day. Just make it religious, habitual and continuous!)

4. Study. (Not harder. Because you don’t study in the first place. Stupid.)

Haha. And as far as I am concerned, I haven't completed anything in that list religiously. Well maybe I'll start Monday right and fail during Wednesday or Thursday. So much for trying hard to be beautiful. I can't do it. What can I do? That's not who I am. 

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Break Up Premonition

Still waiting at Joillibee EDSA, bothered and bored, deprived of entertainment so I wrote another poem. (Poem Number 2 as I said in the earlier post. ^_^)

Puso’y nagdurusa,

Puso’y nagtataka.

Asan ka na ba?

Irog kong sinisinta.

Puso’y nalulumbay,

Puso’y natatamlay.

Asan ka na ba?

Mahal kong hinihintay.

Nagteks ka sa akin

Di ka na raw darating

Ang sabi ko naman,

Sige ayos lang sa akin

Alam mo ba o irog? Kung gaano nagmumukmok,

Ang puso kong itong ngalan mo ang sinasamo.

Ngunit alam kong walang patutungo

Kung ako’y magdurusa’t magdadalamhati rito

Kaya ngayon aking sinta

Ako’y aalis na

Iuusad ang buhay

At mamumuhay nang maligaya

Di ko nais na ika’y aking iwan

At alam kong ako’y ayaw mo ding pakawalan

Nagkataon lamang na tadhana’y siya ng nangialam

At tila baga’y landas nating dalawa’y pinagkaitan

Note:  and when I realized I sounded like breaking up, I came to my senses and added this stanza.

Ngunit hindi ako susuko, pagkat mahal kita

Ilalaban kita sa tuwi-tuwina

Sana’y gayun din ang nadarama sa akin

Pagka’t kung hindi, pighati ang sasapitin.

PS: I am just typing this poem. Originally, this has been written on a yellow pad paper while listening to some girls fighting over a guy, think it’s a mistress and a wife battle. Anyhow, what I said above ^ was true. When I realized that I sounded like breaking up with him, binawi ko agad yung direction nung tula. What does that mean? :D

And then, I told Wilfred about this poem I have written when we were talking but I didn’t show him the poem till now, and maybe forever? He was shocked then. I thought because it’s the shock of knowing that your girlfriend is having the thought of breaking up. That’s really shocking. But I should have known better. For all I know, he must have be happy because by then, he wouldn’t have to break it to me gently that he’s been dreaming about another girl and is thinking of her while I was out there in LB, going all through hardships and smiling and keeping myself together because I was thinking of him. WTH?

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RECOLLECTION

This is the very first poem I've written to express my feelings. Just like with Jessie, my ex-boyfriend, who I have been denying up to now that has been my boyfriend, I used to remember things quite clearly months after we've separated, the date, the time, the place even what he have said. But thinking back, I have forgotten those memories which I can recall back then very vividly. Therefore, it can be concluded that I am to forget every excruciating detail and just remember the whole picture. I don’t want that to happen, so here is ‘Recollection’ a poem of how it has happened.

It was a lovely Thursday noon

I was very excited to see you soon

“Alas! After a long time!” was what I said

And I get ready, also a scarf, I shed

In a place full of people we both decided to meet

But suddenly you led me to a place full of green

The grass is calming and the wind is blowing

Then I realized that something will be shocking

You sat on a big square stone and urge me to do so

So I sat beside you like an obedient little fellow

An awkward silence passed between us

I thought it was normal so I did love the hush

But frankly I just didn’t know how I should react

It’s been more than a week since I last saw a smile cracked

But why does it feel to me like I’ve long lost your love?

You’ve been very cold to me but with reasons I did believe

So I turned on in a deaf ear that listens every word

Then out of that silence you called out to plaid

If I was still listening and hearing what you said

Of course I am. I am very much aware

 You even ask me what I was thinking

That confused the hell out of me

‘Coz you never once bothered to know

What I was really thinking

So when you threw the bomb right at my face

I really don’t know how I should feel

When you very oh slowly tell me how you reel

Those feelings for her that overpowers your will

I am in denial, “No this isn’t happening!”

So I asked you if you are sure at what you’ve been thinking

Then you said yes, and I was really frustrated

I thought it was just a plan to leave you incapacitated

You told me you love her better than you have ever loved me

You told me how her face haunts you in your dreams

You told me how her face appears in your memories

You told me how you became close when you played The Sims

I was left there silenced not knowing what to do

Yes, I’ve said I’ll leave you if you didn’t love me

But I was not expecting somebody else in the scene

So yes I am bitter and wanting to scheme

I then realized how pitiful I am

As I try to make you love me when obviously you can’t

I’ve told you to scale your love for me

And I got a 93

Then there she goes,

Simply walking pass by you

Then what does she get?

An amazing 96.

I did everything I can to make us last long

But I guess, our foundation is not just that strong

To surpass the long distance and withhold all the storms,

True love is needed and not a forced affection

I’ll really miss you, but what can I do?

“I’ll be here as long as you needed me to.”

You don’t need me anymore, so I have been told

So thus ends the tale, of the years we’ve had together

Indeed one can’t work out for true love to happen

It just simply acts on its own and attacks you in silence

But when it did, then that’s the time you use all your power

To make it last, for that’s only the time when that happiness is forever.

©ronagie, 10-21-2011

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