Of Privacy and Misunderstandings

I should have been doing something more important than writing this blog entry. I should have been doing my 10-page narrative script due tomorrow.

But I couldn't help it. I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate if I forced myself to go acads mode.

This is mainly the reason why nowadays I prefer a personal diary. A personal diary would never, ever betray you. Plus, it isn't prone to misunderstandings. It's really sad that all the things you put online, though you think no one will read it anyway so it's fine, can be used against you.Seriously. Enough.

I hate the feeling that I cannot convey my feelings well.
I hate the feeling that I cannot get my points through.
I hate the feeling that I am not effective as a communicator, let alone practice Development Communication if this simple expression of feelings, someone out there is offended.

I mean not to offend so I'm saddened that someone is.
I mean not to hurt so I'm saddened that someone is.

Also, I mean no harm, I just want to express my innermost thoughts and feelings so I am saddened that someone actually thinks I'm some obnoxious crazed ex who does nothing but to create social networking accounts so that I can freely rant on the internet.


IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINKS OF ME THAT WAY.
But then again, why should I be affected? In the first place, that someone is in no place to judge me, or create assumptions of why I'm doing things. That someone doesn't know me.

IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT ALL THE RESPECTS I GAVE TO THAT SOMEONE ISN'T WORTH IT. I respect that someone enough not to rant about her, yet she still says I do. I respect that someone enough to keep a low profile and not openly criticize her in the net or anywhere. I just keep it to myself. And there she goes, tipping me off by posting "pathetic, if you ask me" as a description about my blog. O_O

SHE ALREADY SAID SORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT I AM JUST SAD. REALLY, REALLY SAD. Masyado mo kasing pinapalabas na napakasama kong tao. Na napaka immature ko. Na ako pa yung ayaw tumigil. For goodness sake! Wala akong ginagawang masama sayo. HINDI KO ALAM KUNG ANO YUNG MGA SINASABI MONG RANTS TUNGKOL SAYO.


Thinking now, AND I DID RANT ABOUT HER. TSK. But I swear, this is the first time. Dunno what she's talking about. Plus, I'm so bait when I posted a note to her ans she's like so galit nung nagreply. WTH? What am I doing to you?!

Sorry friends. just had to let it out. O_O
Malayo yung diary ko para magsulat. :P

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An Open Letter to You. Yes You.

I rant.

Coz it's the only thing I can do.

I'm blue.

'Coz he left me for you.

Dear girl,

I think it's about time to address you. And I think it's about time that you know my side of the story.

Do you know what he said to me when he broke up with me? He said he's in love with somebody else. I was quite shocked, because I thought everything was fine between the two of us. In every way, I am clueless. Clueless that he fell out of love during the latter course of our relationship.

Empathize with me darling. Put yourself in my shoes. You love your boyfriend very, very much. And that didn't fade as the time passes by. In fact, the love you felt for him is exactly as strong as how you felt at the beginning, even growing stronger as each months pass by. The sparks didn't fade, that's why you're very much excited to go home every week to see him.
Then all of a sudden, you'll hear him say, "I love somebody else." Ever thought of how, exactly how much, did that hurt? I have no inkling whatsoever that he loses interest in me, in us. And when I asked him how long has he had an interest on you, he said 10 months. Dear, understand. Won't you be shocked if you knew that almost half of your relationship, was well, practically a lie?

Also, hear me out. He has had 10 months to get over me already, while I have only what? The day from November 20 up to now. And eversince Nov. 20, he has been very vocal and sweet about the love he felt for you which was actually his personality. I don't blame him or you for that. It's not your fault that you fell in love with each other. But, just imagine how would that make me feel. And imagine, that for the first few weeks of our break-up, I have been imagining on how he became so in love with you while still in a relationship with me. Of how he unconsciously flirts with you at school, and you smiling back at him. Or how both of you felt when chatting with each other while playing SIMS. I'm a writer. I'm a dreamer. Most of all, I'm a hopeless romantic. That is why I can very much imagine with such vividness. Try to think of yourself imagining the one you love the most having a nice, sweet time with another girl WHILE YOU ARE OUT THERE IN SOME PART OF THE UNIVERSE THINKING ABOUT HIM.

Let me quote you, "It's sad when people judge me, especially when they only knew me from my blogs and other social networking sites." I haven't said anything against you, or even posted anything that may demean your personality here, or even on blogger. Frankly, I have nothing against you. So it's really sad that you used the word "pathetic" to describe my blog entries. Forgive me for writing a blog full of hurt, anger, resentment and bitterness. Back then, it was the only outlet for my very vicious thoughts. If not for that 'pathetic' blog, I may have gone crazy now.

I'm not telling you this for you to laugh at how miserable I had become. I'm coping. I'm telling you this so you can understand what great impact it has caused me. The thing is, just because he broke up with me, doesn't mean it's over for me. I still had to get over the idea that the guy I love is already in love with someone else who's actually in love with him in return.

And words are failing me. No paragraph long enough can suffice for me to let you understand. You probably wouldn't, but at least I tried to let you know. It's about time.

Just a simple note ♥

I already posted this on Tumblr. But, what sense is there if an open letter to that person isn't actually read by that person? And yeah, I do think that the 'pathetic' blog you're talking about is this blog. Do not judge easily, dearest. This blog has been inactive since December 5. That's 2 weeks after the break-up. One cannot really blame me for ranting back then because the memory isn't just a simple memory, but a cruel reality that just recently happened.

As for the thing that how 'perfect' our relationship is, get this. Some poems are written while we're still together, I was still idealistic and love-blinded that I think it's perfect. C'mon. Every girl thinking they found the right one would think that. 

And another disclaimer, poems are literature works. A variety of meanings can be extracted and a lot of interpretations can be inferred from a very single poem. I have never said a word about claiming that "both of you are delusional to find each other in this crucial world " But, if that's how you interpret it, that's not on me anymore.

NYAHA!

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A Letter to the Future Me

The first letter I have written after the break up, October 21, 2011. Mostly about my feelings and a summary of how it has happened.

Sorry if this post is too wordy. As you know, this was written less than a day after the break up so the momentum is still quite high and the feelings still vivid. Read to understand how I felt. I'll appreciate it. :) Btw, to compensate the wordiness of this article, I've included not-related photos of us together. Look, he's so kawaii! ♥

Hey laptop...

I guess it’s just you and me now. Yesterday was ... unexpected. Well, maybe in my subconsciousness, I know our relationship really wouldn’t last but I hoped it would.

Yesterday, he held up all his courage and told me he didn’t love me anymore. What hurt me and makes my heart skip even for now is the fact that he’s been keeping it to himself for 10 months now. He thought it was just an ordinary fling, that it will pass by.. that he’ll  learn to love me more. Obviously, he did not.

To the future me who’ll be reading this, forgive me for such clutter in the organization of ideas. My head is full of thoughts.. questions.. despairs and depressions. It really is too much to take. 

Taken in KFC, Grove, Los Baños. He came over to
escort me for the ROTC's social party.
I actually won Miss Social's Night. Oha? :) 

I realized, “Damn. I am so pitiful.” Yeah. I really am. I did my best.. my hardest.. and gave it my best shot for him to love me. Fortunately for me, he did. For a year or so. I asked him, “Give me a scale. How much do you love me?” He gave me a 93. What can I say? I did a great job right? But not as great as this girl. Obviously. She just walks there, and she steals the heart of the man i love. Without doing anything, she’s a 96. How much more if she has done something? Will she make him head over heels for her? The kind of love I wished he could have reciprocated to me. I guess, we aren’t just meant to be.  What’s there to say? What’s there to do?

I’ll be here as long as you need me to.. as long as you want me to. I’ve been saying that line to him ever since the start of our relationship. I know our foundation isn’t that good. That is why I’ve asked him to be totally honest with me. If ever he feels something, just tell it straight to my face. But I guess he didn’t honor that. He didn’t tell it to me. Instead, he waited for 10 months.

This my pendant, the partner of his,
that I bought as a present for our 23rd monthsary.
It states FOREVER, but as you all know...
That word is an allusion.
Don't believe it.

Now we’ve broken up, of course I am lonely, sad and bitter. Who wouldn’t be? I even pity myself. I long for the stability the relationship has offered me. It keeps me going. The simple fact that he is there... waiting for me is enough for me to go through the pain of being away from him. But now, I can’t hold on to that anymore. There’s no more him... no more us. So any person would hold on to what he’s got left. What’s there for me aside from my memories? Those sweet, sweet memories.

But, I can’t seem to trust my memories. You must forget future me, why I feel the way I feel now. We’ve had two years. Of course the one I could remember clearly are my recent memories. But I don’t seem to own them now. It seems like every time I remember the things that have happened in the last 10 months, another girl is beside me, smiling along with me. That if you were a third party looking at the scene, you might mistake him smiling at her, not at me.

I took all of this very easily yesterday when he told me. I know I would. From the very start, when people ask me about what I am going to do when we break up, I envisioned myself sitting beside him calmly hearing his side about the break up, weighing if it’s reasonable or not. I said to myself, the only reasonable thing that would make me not cling to him if he does not love me anymore. If it faded away, I’ll understand. I did, didn’t I?

I did a very good job yesterday.

 Even then… as I imagine that day, I know he’s going to be the one breaking up with me. Never had I imagined myself cheating on him. Oh. Such a strong word. He didn’t cheat on me. Yes, future me. He didn’t cheat on us. He waited 10 months to weigh his feelings before telling me because he loved me enough not to hurt me.

The thing is, I am not ready that there is someone else. I don’t know how to react to that. Well, yesterday, I took it calmly because a break-up is just too much to bear for one day. I didn’t know how I could hold my feelings so I will not totally collapse in front of him. I did cry of course. I guess it’s inevitable not to.

There! This is the partner of the couple
pendant above. ^_^
This was taken during our date as we sat on one
of the benches at SM Mall of Asia.
I repeat...
forever is an illusion.

But now, well actually last night, when I’d allowed myself to cry once more, I thought and thought. Truth be told, I overthink. Is he really thinking of me back in the PMMA while he was there? Is it really me he has considered of when he thought of quitting? He said I shouldn’t worry because, yes, I was the one he’s been thinking of there. Oh well, he even added I am the one he’s been thinking of when he’s with me. Sure enough. But is that supposed to appease me? Shame on him if he’s with me and he’s thinking of other girls- well, other girl for that matter. He’s only with me for what? Once every week!

It’s not my fault I went to UPLB in the first place, isn’t it? Long distance really have killed us. Well, him actually. And he killed me in turn. In addition to the 10 months, he said that it has been 3 months now since he discovered that he loved the girl more. How painful do you think it is for me when he said that? He even stated, with every excruciating detail how he knew. He said it’s because he’s had sleepless nights because of her, thinking of her. That he even dreamt of her? That he remembers her face subconsciously when he walks down the road. He should be thinking of me those times, doesn’t he? It’s just so painful when the one I love that keeps me going everyday in LB is not even thinking of me. Even while typing this, I get misty eyed. I don’t want to cry though.

DO I LOVE HIM? As much as I want to say no, I think I love him. Not loved him. Love him. Or do I really? I really don’t know. I’m sad and broken-hearted yes, but I didn’t cry a liter of tears. I am mourning yes, but is not really that mournful. Am i just saying this as a defense mechanism? To lie to myself just to get even? Am I just in denial? 

I really am confused with what I am feeling. 

I'm too young to know what love really is. And I've nothing to com pare these feelings to. But the sure thing is, I did care for him. Even now. I still want to caress him, to hold his hand and just stay by his side. Future me, if you will be reading this, answer this for me. Did I love him?

This picture is taken, obviously, at an LRT, as we are about to
go home after the super fun Star City Galore with him and my sister
last April 29, 2011. :) He will be leaving the day after for his PMMA
training so we had spent the time together.
Such vivid memory. ♥

The only thing I’ve been dreading now is the future. For all of what has happened, I can very much say to my very being that the break-up has done nothing to me. I can clearly remember myself this past few months whining and cursing things like, “It seems like I don’t have a boyfriend!” Maybe my feelings have cooled off too. Who knows? But the only sure thing is that it’s now official.  I really don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

I don’t know what to do. This feels like it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship and a through a break up. For what it’s worth then I’ll say yes. This is the very first relationship I had let myself be too involved. So it do feel like it’s the first time.

But what's done is done. It should all be in the past now. As I am thinking last night, reality hit me. The stability I long for isn’t there anymore. My plans and dream for the future is shattered. Then I realized, there’s nothing I want for myself that won’t include him at the end of the day. I’ve built my whole life around him. His friends are my friends. Our high school friends. Though we’ve moved on to our college lives, I did not fully immerse myself with my friends because I have him. He’s my best friend.

I lost my best friend. As this realization struck me, I smiled. Yes, the only thing that hurts me the most is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person whom I can call every time I want to hang out. The person I can call whenever I’m sad and depressed to cheer me up. The person I can tell all my rants to.

Well, this is the photo I created as an extra gift for
our 2nd anniversary. :) It is a collage of the pictures we've had
together for the two year duration of our relationship.
Such sweet memories. ♥

He’s my confidante, my best friend, my partner, my everything. The stability he offers is just too huge. To have it taken away from me so suddenly is like snatching a candy from a child.

I’ll try to catch up with Rana and be better friends with Nel. Future me, if you are reading this now, which may be 5, 10 years after, better be sure that you are still friends with these persons. I realized that I have made a huge mistake on drifting apart from them because I had a boyfriend. In Rana’s case that is. In Nel’s, it’s because, the only thing that psyched me up is meeting my boyfriend during the weekends so I could not bond properly with my friends over there at UP. I’ll really catch up.

As for my own case, since the break-up (I make it sound like it happened long ago when it fact it isn’t even 24 hours. Haha), the future’s been very open for me. A lot of possibilities have been opened. Am I going to be an old maid? Haha. I can clearly picture myself years from now without anyone. Maybe Im just getting ahead of myself. The only sure thing here is, I will never, ever do that anymore. The way I flirted with him and made him fall for me. If a guy don’t come in front of me and says that he loves me, then so be it. I’ll just then be an old maid.

But, as i speak of these things, how if i met a guy who I really, really love? More than i loved him? Will I take the risk? I don’t know. Guess I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. Future me, have you already been in that bridge? I guess, that’s for me to find out years from now, isn’t it?

"The future is a dark, mysterious and scary place. But play the present well, and you won’t be afraid anymore."

Wilfred, 

Thanks for everything Wilfred. I don’t know what to do with our photos and every memories but Ill guess I’ll cherish them as I cherished you. I am happy because I’ve known you and because you’ve made me happy too.

I remember what my Speech Com teacher has told me, “It’s best for a college couple to break up then just get back together again. It’s healthier and you’ve had certain purposes in life. Not just things that revolve around the two of you.” I kinda agree with him now. But not before because, as you know, I am dreading the day we’ll break up. Is it wishful thinking that maybe 5, 10 years from now, if our paths have crossed again, you will realize you loved me really? Is it hopeless for me to think that the person who I loved will be the person I’ll love for the rest of my life, maybe not now but years from now?

Thanks for reading! :)

Ronagie

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Shall I send this? xD

                Hi! Merry Christmas! JHow are you? We haven’t talk that much recently and I don’t exactly know your endeavours. But I wish you luck in everything that you do and I hope you find the happiness that you seek for.

                I wrote you this letter a week after our break up. Please read this. Don’t worry. It is not a bitterness letter. It also is not a desperation letter. But this, my love, is a thank you letter. I know that you’re not the type of person who expresses in words or in any other sense, a person who loves reading and the words. JBut please, please do read it until the end.

                One day, as I was on the jeepney sitting, my mind was drifting. It was travelling through ideas, experiences and most especially reflecting on my present life. I’ve realized that I’ve been so hard on you. Forgive me. I was just caught up in my own emotions for the first days of our break up. But I’ve realized that I was wrong to do that. You’ve done nothing wrong.

                In fact, I should be thankful that you happened… that we happened. For the two years of our relationship, I’ve been happy, very happy for most of it. That alone, I should be thankful to you. You’ve done your part fulfilling the boyfriend you are to me. You’ve made me memories, bittersweet memories that I will remember as long as I live. I’ve learned so many new things with you. Together, we’ve discovered new beginnings, built hopes for the future and dreamt big and aimed to achieve them.

                That paragraph may sound too ideal. Yes, it may be exaggerated but it’s true anyway. The magic of words just gave it a new light to it. In this relationship, both you and I have had disappointments and frustrations. But that’s normal. Instead, aren’t just we supposed to be thankful for all those trials that we’ve survived that made us last for two years?

                Thank you dear. I really am. For some part there, I know you really- in your heart- do love me more than anything else in the world. I thank you that even for such a short moment I have experienced that feeling. “To love is nothing, to be loved is something but to love and be loved is everything.” I’ve already known how to experience that everything, all thanks to you.

                And be calm, for I don’t blame you of anything. It’s not your fault that your love for me gradually grew weaker and eventually faded as you fell truly in love with somebody else. In this case, the only thing I can say is thank you, for loving me enough not to give up on me the last few months you were deliberating with yourself. Thank you for giving me a chance… for giving us a chance. In the first place, I just charmed you to love me. You really aren’t in love with me in the first place so thank you because even though, I know that what we’ve shared is real. I hope for your happiness.

                Frankly, I don’t even know if you’re reading up to this point. Reading does bore you a lot. And for all the two years I’ve personally known you more than my own self, I am confused. It seems like I don’t know anything about you at all.

                You’ve always evaded talking about your feelings even before. It is always I who does the rants and shares my anguish. You just tell me your good times. That’s why in this situation I don’t know if you are just creating that façade that you don’t care. Because of that, I’ve envisioned two possible reactions if ever you have bothered to read until this part of the letter.

                First is that you’ll be touched because for one, I actually understood how you are feeling, that I’ve seen you through your façade. The other option will be this will just be another insignificant letter because the façade I’m telling you I’m seeing is not really a façade meant to cover up what you’re really feeling. But they are your real feelings. You just don’t really care. 

                I do hope it’s the first one. So that you’ll know how much thankful I am that you’ve been a part of my life… a part of me that I will carry on always.

     

                                                                                                                                                                           Love,                                                                                                                                                                            Ronagie

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