A Letter to the Future Me

The first letter I have written after the break up, October 21, 2011. Mostly about my feelings and a summary of how it has happened.

Sorry if this post is too wordy. As you know, this was written less than a day after the break up so the momentum is still quite high and the feelings still vivid. Read to understand how I felt. I'll appreciate it. :) Btw, to compensate the wordiness of this article, I've included not-related photos of us together. Look, he's so kawaii! ♥

Hey laptop...

I guess it’s just you and me now. Yesterday was ... unexpected. Well, maybe in my subconsciousness, I know our relationship really wouldn’t last but I hoped it would.

Yesterday, he held up all his courage and told me he didn’t love me anymore. What hurt me and makes my heart skip even for now is the fact that he’s been keeping it to himself for 10 months now. He thought it was just an ordinary fling, that it will pass by.. that he’ll  learn to love me more. Obviously, he did not.

To the future me who’ll be reading this, forgive me for such clutter in the organization of ideas. My head is full of thoughts.. questions.. despairs and depressions. It really is too much to take. 

Taken in KFC, Grove, Los Baños. He came over to
escort me for the ROTC's social party.
I actually won Miss Social's Night. Oha? :) 

I realized, “Damn. I am so pitiful.” Yeah. I really am. I did my best.. my hardest.. and gave it my best shot for him to love me. Fortunately for me, he did. For a year or so. I asked him, “Give me a scale. How much do you love me?” He gave me a 93. What can I say? I did a great job right? But not as great as this girl. Obviously. She just walks there, and she steals the heart of the man i love. Without doing anything, she’s a 96. How much more if she has done something? Will she make him head over heels for her? The kind of love I wished he could have reciprocated to me. I guess, we aren’t just meant to be.  What’s there to say? What’s there to do?

I’ll be here as long as you need me to.. as long as you want me to. I’ve been saying that line to him ever since the start of our relationship. I know our foundation isn’t that good. That is why I’ve asked him to be totally honest with me. If ever he feels something, just tell it straight to my face. But I guess he didn’t honor that. He didn’t tell it to me. Instead, he waited for 10 months.

This my pendant, the partner of his,
that I bought as a present for our 23rd monthsary.
It states FOREVER, but as you all know...
That word is an allusion.
Don't believe it.

Now we’ve broken up, of course I am lonely, sad and bitter. Who wouldn’t be? I even pity myself. I long for the stability the relationship has offered me. It keeps me going. The simple fact that he is there... waiting for me is enough for me to go through the pain of being away from him. But now, I can’t hold on to that anymore. There’s no more him... no more us. So any person would hold on to what he’s got left. What’s there for me aside from my memories? Those sweet, sweet memories.

But, I can’t seem to trust my memories. You must forget future me, why I feel the way I feel now. We’ve had two years. Of course the one I could remember clearly are my recent memories. But I don’t seem to own them now. It seems like every time I remember the things that have happened in the last 10 months, another girl is beside me, smiling along with me. That if you were a third party looking at the scene, you might mistake him smiling at her, not at me.

I took all of this very easily yesterday when he told me. I know I would. From the very start, when people ask me about what I am going to do when we break up, I envisioned myself sitting beside him calmly hearing his side about the break up, weighing if it’s reasonable or not. I said to myself, the only reasonable thing that would make me not cling to him if he does not love me anymore. If it faded away, I’ll understand. I did, didn’t I?

I did a very good job yesterday.

 Even then… as I imagine that day, I know he’s going to be the one breaking up with me. Never had I imagined myself cheating on him. Oh. Such a strong word. He didn’t cheat on me. Yes, future me. He didn’t cheat on us. He waited 10 months to weigh his feelings before telling me because he loved me enough not to hurt me.

The thing is, I am not ready that there is someone else. I don’t know how to react to that. Well, yesterday, I took it calmly because a break-up is just too much to bear for one day. I didn’t know how I could hold my feelings so I will not totally collapse in front of him. I did cry of course. I guess it’s inevitable not to.

There! This is the partner of the couple
pendant above. ^_^
This was taken during our date as we sat on one
of the benches at SM Mall of Asia.
I repeat...
forever is an illusion.

But now, well actually last night, when I’d allowed myself to cry once more, I thought and thought. Truth be told, I overthink. Is he really thinking of me back in the PMMA while he was there? Is it really me he has considered of when he thought of quitting? He said I shouldn’t worry because, yes, I was the one he’s been thinking of there. Oh well, he even added I am the one he’s been thinking of when he’s with me. Sure enough. But is that supposed to appease me? Shame on him if he’s with me and he’s thinking of other girls- well, other girl for that matter. He’s only with me for what? Once every week!

It’s not my fault I went to UPLB in the first place, isn’t it? Long distance really have killed us. Well, him actually. And he killed me in turn. In addition to the 10 months, he said that it has been 3 months now since he discovered that he loved the girl more. How painful do you think it is for me when he said that? He even stated, with every excruciating detail how he knew. He said it’s because he’s had sleepless nights because of her, thinking of her. That he even dreamt of her? That he remembers her face subconsciously when he walks down the road. He should be thinking of me those times, doesn’t he? It’s just so painful when the one I love that keeps me going everyday in LB is not even thinking of me. Even while typing this, I get misty eyed. I don’t want to cry though.

DO I LOVE HIM? As much as I want to say no, I think I love him. Not loved him. Love him. Or do I really? I really don’t know. I’m sad and broken-hearted yes, but I didn’t cry a liter of tears. I am mourning yes, but is not really that mournful. Am i just saying this as a defense mechanism? To lie to myself just to get even? Am I just in denial? 

I really am confused with what I am feeling. 

I'm too young to know what love really is. And I've nothing to com pare these feelings to. But the sure thing is, I did care for him. Even now. I still want to caress him, to hold his hand and just stay by his side. Future me, if you will be reading this, answer this for me. Did I love him?

This picture is taken, obviously, at an LRT, as we are about to
go home after the super fun Star City Galore with him and my sister
last April 29, 2011. :) He will be leaving the day after for his PMMA
training so we had spent the time together.
Such vivid memory. ♥

The only thing I’ve been dreading now is the future. For all of what has happened, I can very much say to my very being that the break-up has done nothing to me. I can clearly remember myself this past few months whining and cursing things like, “It seems like I don’t have a boyfriend!” Maybe my feelings have cooled off too. Who knows? But the only sure thing is that it’s now official.  I really don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

I don’t know what to do. This feels like it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship and a through a break up. For what it’s worth then I’ll say yes. This is the very first relationship I had let myself be too involved. So it do feel like it’s the first time.

But what's done is done. It should all be in the past now. As I am thinking last night, reality hit me. The stability I long for isn’t there anymore. My plans and dream for the future is shattered. Then I realized, there’s nothing I want for myself that won’t include him at the end of the day. I’ve built my whole life around him. His friends are my friends. Our high school friends. Though we’ve moved on to our college lives, I did not fully immerse myself with my friends because I have him. He’s my best friend.

I lost my best friend. As this realization struck me, I smiled. Yes, the only thing that hurts me the most is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person whom I can call every time I want to hang out. The person I can call whenever I’m sad and depressed to cheer me up. The person I can tell all my rants to.

Well, this is the photo I created as an extra gift for
our 2nd anniversary. :) It is a collage of the pictures we've had
together for the two year duration of our relationship.
Such sweet memories. ♥

He’s my confidante, my best friend, my partner, my everything. The stability he offers is just too huge. To have it taken away from me so suddenly is like snatching a candy from a child.

I’ll try to catch up with Rana and be better friends with Nel. Future me, if you are reading this now, which may be 5, 10 years after, better be sure that you are still friends with these persons. I realized that I have made a huge mistake on drifting apart from them because I had a boyfriend. In Rana’s case that is. In Nel’s, it’s because, the only thing that psyched me up is meeting my boyfriend during the weekends so I could not bond properly with my friends over there at UP. I’ll really catch up.

As for my own case, since the break-up (I make it sound like it happened long ago when it fact it isn’t even 24 hours. Haha), the future’s been very open for me. A lot of possibilities have been opened. Am I going to be an old maid? Haha. I can clearly picture myself years from now without anyone. Maybe Im just getting ahead of myself. The only sure thing here is, I will never, ever do that anymore. The way I flirted with him and made him fall for me. If a guy don’t come in front of me and says that he loves me, then so be it. I’ll just then be an old maid.

But, as i speak of these things, how if i met a guy who I really, really love? More than i loved him? Will I take the risk? I don’t know. Guess I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. Future me, have you already been in that bridge? I guess, that’s for me to find out years from now, isn’t it?

"The future is a dark, mysterious and scary place. But play the present well, and you won’t be afraid anymore."

Wilfred, 

Thanks for everything Wilfred. I don’t know what to do with our photos and every memories but Ill guess I’ll cherish them as I cherished you. I am happy because I’ve known you and because you’ve made me happy too.

I remember what my Speech Com teacher has told me, “It’s best for a college couple to break up then just get back together again. It’s healthier and you’ve had certain purposes in life. Not just things that revolve around the two of you.” I kinda agree with him now. But not before because, as you know, I am dreading the day we’ll break up. Is it wishful thinking that maybe 5, 10 years from now, if our paths have crossed again, you will realize you loved me really? Is it hopeless for me to think that the person who I loved will be the person I’ll love for the rest of my life, maybe not now but years from now?

Thanks for reading! :)

Ronagie