Of Decisions and Confusions

My life is an open book.

I often say that. Practically because, I have nothing to hide. I am just a person, committing mistakes every now and then. Besides, I don't have any awful secrets to hide in the first place.

Yet, I broke that rule. I protected my tweets just a while ago. It seems a petty issue to discuss but I feel heavy bout it. I decided to do that 'coz it seems unfair. He can see right through me, when I can't. I am actually offended in the first place, though I don't why I should be.

I wanna stop thinking bout it. Better, I wanna stop dreaming bout him.

I wanna stop all the bitterness. So as not to feel any pain.

I wanna not be affected. But it just simply hurts.

To know he doesn't care. And he never will.

I don't know. But deep in the recesses of my very being, I know that he cares. In my subconsciousness, I know he does things he thinks is righteous. Who knows? Maybe he's just protecting my feelings from further pain by seeing through my own eyes that he really doesn't care MUCH about me now.

And the stubborn little me asks "why?" Why is there a need? I am a big girl now. I should be able to handle myself for everything I hear and see. On this twisted head of mine, I feel that people really should stop thinking the worst of me and give me more credit.

I can handle myself. I know I can. No need to protect me whatsoever. The pain is there already. A little more of it won't be much to notice.