A New Year’s Resolution

But... seriously? Haven’t all of us created a resolution but eventually failed in following so? Typical. Ningas Kugon.

So this year, I did not bother to create a long list of what I should do this year. But if what I’ve done is a “New Year’s Resolution” then so be it. I just committed myself to actually live by these.

This year, and hopefully, it will be carried on to the succeeding years (if the world will not end by Dec. 21 2012), I decided to have a positive outlook in life and lessen the drama. Though I know that by doing so, I actually lose myself. My identity. My personality. When you ask my friends, they all will say that I’m that “hyperactive, crazy person who has a lot of drama in her life”.  To make their description worse, “her life is actually not that dramatic.”

What can I do? I need an outlet. I need a place where I can release all the negative emotions pent up in my head so as not to be a true weirdo. And school is that place. I’m a crybaby at school. For whatever reasons, I cry. And until now, I’m thankful for my friends that are there for me, comforting me all the way through. Though, they are blunt enough to tell me how stupid crying over some trivial matter is.

It isn’t the same case back home. There, I need to be strong. I need to take in everything, and accept everything however negative that may be so that I can help my mom lessen her worries. Being the eldest child, I somehow have this innate personality to be responsible enough not to be an additional burden to my parents.

But then again, it’s hard. It’s hard to live with the pessimism. I know my mom and dad did not want me to be like this. I, too, don’t wanna live like this. It’s hard. But I cannot simply revert back. It’s not that simple. If it is, I should’ve saved myself several years of dealing with my personality.

So I thought about a way to help myself... and perhaps save me from this misery I’m going through. Maybe you’ll be asking, “why only now? Why have you decided to make a change only now?”

Well, the only reason I can think of is that I can’t bear it all anymore now. Back then, it was tolerable. Pessimism and the negativity is actually being a way for me to strive harder. The pressures that are on me served as motivations that I could still do better. That I have more that I can give. I can live up with academic pressures... the pressures related to the Supreme Student Government when I was still president... the pressures at home... I can bear with them all. Maybe because I know I am confident enough in myself that I can do it.

But now? No. the pressure is not healthy for me anymore. It’s eating me up alive. I lost my happy-go-lucky self. Yes, I am still laughing but I can feel they are just empty laughs. Self-pity, self-consciousness, weariness are beating the hell out of me. I’ve never felt this inferior before to anyone. Never. Now, my confidence about myself has been lost. I still believe in my skills, they are proven to be effective. But to me as a whole?

That’s the main reason why I need to have a positive outlook in life. So that I’ll skip away from my suicidal tendencies. The world is harsh, I know. But if I see it as bad as it is, well, I don’t know what’ll happen to me. I’ll be drowning in a sea of angsts, guilt, wallow and pity. I need to see the happiness of life. In order to do that, I must see to it that I find happiness in what I have.