A Short Love Story

This is not a love story.

Christmas day.  The sun is shining, everybody’s smiling. Indeed, everyone is in a light mood.

She went out with her family to the nearest mall to have some quality time together. It has been ages since they last went out. Like most families, they had issues – issues they are slowly recovering from. Nonetheless, they had fun. Sharing a single bucket popcorn in the cinema while watching the most in demand film of the season, they laughed as if nothing is ever important aside from being together. All of them are bothered, trivial concerns or not, each has his own share of burden.

Alas, it is the time to go home. They had a very tiring day, walking, shopping, and walking again. Walking side by side with her mom, she is oblivious to all the people around. Nothing is surprising. It’s Christmas day. True enough, the mall is filled with oh-so many nameless faces. As she is about to go to the exit, she heard, “Pst!" Instincts told her to look at the direction where the voice is coming from. Everything stopped. The moment stilled. Suddenly, there was just him and her. That’s why she looked even though she hasn't heard her name called.  Deep in her heart, she knew the voice. Deep in her heart, she knew that there is that little chance that they will meet. Indeed, it was him.

How long has it been since she last saw him? How long has it been since she has heard his voice? Has it been less than two months? Oh she has lost count. But it seems like it was such a long time ago.

Though the world seemed to stop, it didn’t actually. On impulse, she focused on the face of his caller and smiled. Smiled like they were very good friends. Then that was it. There was even no stopping to talk to each other and even say a little “hi” or “hello”.

After the realization struck her senses, she felt a hard pang on her chest. Question like, “Why the hell did I smile?,”  occurred to her. “It’s instinct,” she deliberated.

A lot of questions arose again. Questions she very well know that will remain unanswered. But she felt good inside. After everything, she felt light. Maybe, maybe it’s her Christmas wish… or the Lord’s way of helping her.  A step in getting the closure she wanted.

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A System of Frailties and Faults

Long lines. Blazing sunlight. Dripping sweats. Murmured curses.

This is basically what one would experience earlier at the LANI Cayetano Scholarship Distribution at the Cayetano Sports Complex. Over 1000 college and masteral students alike are gathered there to receive financial assistance of five thousand up to thirty thousand EACH.

Filipino time. Call time was 12:30PM. I prepared at around 11:30 and started my journey to the event at around 12:10PM. And of course, I am late. Not in my wildest imagination have I imagined that I would experience being stuck in a heavy traffic jam.

So I was able to go to the venue by 2PM and boy! The place was... (I am lost for words here friends. Words would just be understatements.) There was a lot of people. Chaos? Perhaps. There's a lot of long, unorganized lines. A late comer like me would be overwhelmed. "Where the hell would I go there?" Truth be told, I was actually tempted to leave the place right there and then, but the stubbornness in me prevailed. If I backed out, all of my efforts would be ruined (plus the sacrifices I've done... there's a big opportunity cost in going there. I missed an activity in my beloved organization: UPLB DevComSoc.)

Also, it was really hot! The sun shining directly towards us. And imagine us being at shoulder-to-shoulder length with each other because of the unorganized lines. What's worse is, people keep shouting and complaining... out loud. And I was like, "Hey people. Please STFU. Save your carbon dioxide emissions cause it only makes the temperature here hotter. Also, if it weren't for this government in the first place, all of us wouldn't be here and none of us will receive at most 30k today. Can't you just please keep those violent reactions to yourself and just be thankful first? Ungrateful bitches." Of course, I kept that to myself. But, if looks can kill, most of the people in my sight have been dead by now... especially the girls preceding me. There was only actually a girl and a boy in front of me when suddenly, out of nowhere, 3 other girls, obviously their classmate or schoolmate, approached them and started talking to them. Few minutes later, these girls were planning to buy some drinks and they turned to me and said, "Ate, pabantay muna ha? Dito kami sa harap mo... Bibili lang po kami ng juice. :)" And I was like... (you know what.)

Also, I heard a mom of another student saying, "Grabe ang tagal sa unahan. Isa isa kasi kayong bibigyan ng stub. Kaya mabagal talaga ang usad." Another said, "Kasi naman eh, palakasan pala dito!" 


This got me thinking. Is the Philippine system this faulty? Padrino system is always a prevalent situation anywhere. When can we eliminate that? I hate to say it's inevitable. I don't want to lose hope in our country. I am a development communicator. If I do not believe that development and progress is still applicable to this country, why continue this field of study in the first place? I should just shift to Mass Communication or the likes.

Philippines is not yet a hopeless case. Yes, it is a matter of human empowerment. The problem in this scenario is the lack of discipline. Not only on the part of the government workers but on the part of the citizens as well. Look, if no one will be bold enough to bribe, no one would dare use his/her power in favor of a single person, and vice versa. If everyone has the integrity to uphold their duties rightfully, no one would be bribed.

This is a matter of discipline. So before we look at the system's mistake, might as well look first at our contribution to that bigger picture of frailties and faults.

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Of Death and Pity

December 11, 2011

Sunday

7:00AM

My dying face.
LOL. ♥

I almost died. Not once, not twice but several times.

It was a sunless morning. The clouds are somehow dim, indicating that it is going to rain sometime soon. I wonder what I am going to do. I only have 100 pesos and I need to go home. I need to save every single peso that I could so I decided to wait for an Alabang bus rather than riding a jeepney and ride a bus on the terminal. As I was standing there, waiting, I decided to walk. I knew that it would take some time before an Alabang non-aircon (only non-aircons give student fares, damn those HM aircon buses and the likes that don’t give us students what we rightfully deserve) comes.

While walking, I reflected. I thought about almost everything. And reflecting that very moment seem to be no good.  Aside from overthinking, I almost died.  Countless of cars rushed by my side, around 5 inches away from me. Had I inclined a little to the left at the wrong moment, I could have been in the news by now. Hit and run. But that realization came to me long after the car has passed. That’s how ethereal I am because of thinking.

Then I happened to pass by Ministop. Memories flooded. It all suddenly came back to me. I used to go there once with his dad. It’s very hard to forget things especially when they are associated to almost everything f your being. My friend, Angel, once told me, “stop associating everything you see and everything you do with him… Kaya hindi ka nakakalimot eh.”  True enough.  But I’ll get to that later. ♥

The main point here is I realized how pitiful I am. No. Being poor is not pitiful, but what I’ve done is. And what happened minutes before was shameful - utterly shameful.

The time has come for us to come home after a night’s fun during the Alumni homecoming of our brods and sisses of the organization. I really wonder. I don’t have any money with me. So I tried my luck and asked my orgmates to lend me some money. But to no avail. I wasn’t very close enough to most of them so I can’t really ask them. It’s shameful. So I asked my batchmates first. But like me, they didn’t have spare money to give. It’s Saturday, I know. So what can I do? I’m desperate. I need to go home.  I practically asked everyone around.

 I am practically penniless. I don’t want to specify and elaborate the breakdown of where my allowance for the week went but basically I ran out of money. Too many things have to be paid and my mother didn’t give me enough. I don’t want to text her either to say, “Mom, di pa po ako bayad sa apartment…” I do not want to bother her. I know that if my mom has the money, she will definitely go to he nearest Landbank  to deposit some to my account. So I made my ‘moves’ and tried to suffice everything that I should pay. Luckily though, I was able to pay the apartment fee, my share for electric consumption for two months, and my food expenditure for the week. With the 700 pesos that my mom gave me for the week, you and I very well know that it will never be enough.

So I ran to my friends sometime Wednesday to borrow some money. Fortunately, they gave me some. By Friday, it still isn’t enough. By Friday night, I realized I don’t have any money aside from some 25cents in my wallet.

And that’s how I came to Saturday without any money and not knowing where I would get it next. I do not hate my mom. Though for a moment there, I was really pissed off. I mean, hey, how can one survive with only 700 pesos and has 1800 to pay? Plus, of course, the expenses for that week too.

Good thing I had extra money of a thousand. But that’s barely it. So I decided to thrift again. I do not want to experience the same hell again. I do not want to go through another shameful series of “pautang naman”. I once said that I would not deprive myself of anything since the break-up. For what? I do not have any reason to thrift; I don’t have a date on the weekends.  So I’m breaking that rule now. I will save money, until I think it’s enough. And not use that money until really emergency purposes. It’s really hard to experience having no money at all.

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Reasons Why I'm Hurt

This poem is the second poem I’ve written after Recollection. Recollection is just a narrative poem of what has happened while this poem basically tells why I am hurt.

IT HURTS ME THAT YOU DON’T TRUST ME

By: ronagie

The only things that keep me going

Is writing poems that stops me from hurting

This makes me express my feelings for you

That once was oh so very true

I said that the other one was the last poem for you

I guess I lied, forgive me but I’m blue

I have no other thing to turn to unlike the way you do

You have your friends that helped you all the way through

While I have none, didn’t mean I didn’t have one

It’s just that I’m not ready to open myself to the fact that we’re done.

They’ll have a lot of questions I’m not yet ready to undone

I need time-and a lot of it, to cope up with what was gone

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not clinging or anything.

It’s just hard to accept your promises meant nothing

I have told you beforehand to just be truly honest with me

Instead what have you done? You led me in misery.

The fact that ten months have passed,

Should bother you very much.

Had you said it to me, we could have settled it once.

That’s why it hurts to know your trust in me is none

It hurt me very much that you told your friends of these

While we could have settled it inside our mists

You are my best friend, my partner, and my confidante

But amidst all these, you trust me none

But, try as I might, I’m not angry and scheming

As I’ve told you, I’m just in pain and is hurting

Let’s simply be casual and try to be friends for the moment

But baby not TOO casual, as though nothing had happened.

Coz it hurts to see you out there and already over what we’ve shared

While here I am, still grieving about the memories we’ve created

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A Letter to the Future Me

The first letter I have written after the break up, October 21, 2011. Mostly about my feelings and a summary of how it has happened.

Sorry if this post is too wordy. As you know, this was written less than a day after the break up so the momentum is still quite high and the feelings still vivid. Read to understand how I felt. I'll appreciate it. :) Btw, to compensate the wordiness of this article, I've included not-related photos of us together. Look, he's so kawaii! ♥

Hey laptop...

I guess it’s just you and me now. Yesterday was ... unexpected. Well, maybe in my subconsciousness, I know our relationship really wouldn’t last but I hoped it would.

Yesterday, he held up all his courage and told me he didn’t love me anymore. What hurt me and makes my heart skip even for now is the fact that he’s been keeping it to himself for 10 months now. He thought it was just an ordinary fling, that it will pass by.. that he’ll  learn to love me more. Obviously, he did not.

To the future me who’ll be reading this, forgive me for such clutter in the organization of ideas. My head is full of thoughts.. questions.. despairs and depressions. It really is too much to take. 

Taken in KFC, Grove, Los Baños. He came over to
escort me for the ROTC's social party.
I actually won Miss Social's Night. Oha? :) 

I realized, “Damn. I am so pitiful.” Yeah. I really am. I did my best.. my hardest.. and gave it my best shot for him to love me. Fortunately for me, he did. For a year or so. I asked him, “Give me a scale. How much do you love me?” He gave me a 93. What can I say? I did a great job right? But not as great as this girl. Obviously. She just walks there, and she steals the heart of the man i love. Without doing anything, she’s a 96. How much more if she has done something? Will she make him head over heels for her? The kind of love I wished he could have reciprocated to me. I guess, we aren’t just meant to be.  What’s there to say? What’s there to do?

I’ll be here as long as you need me to.. as long as you want me to. I’ve been saying that line to him ever since the start of our relationship. I know our foundation isn’t that good. That is why I’ve asked him to be totally honest with me. If ever he feels something, just tell it straight to my face. But I guess he didn’t honor that. He didn’t tell it to me. Instead, he waited for 10 months.

This my pendant, the partner of his,
that I bought as a present for our 23rd monthsary.
It states FOREVER, but as you all know...
That word is an allusion.
Don't believe it.

Now we’ve broken up, of course I am lonely, sad and bitter. Who wouldn’t be? I even pity myself. I long for the stability the relationship has offered me. It keeps me going. The simple fact that he is there... waiting for me is enough for me to go through the pain of being away from him. But now, I can’t hold on to that anymore. There’s no more him... no more us. So any person would hold on to what he’s got left. What’s there for me aside from my memories? Those sweet, sweet memories.

But, I can’t seem to trust my memories. You must forget future me, why I feel the way I feel now. We’ve had two years. Of course the one I could remember clearly are my recent memories. But I don’t seem to own them now. It seems like every time I remember the things that have happened in the last 10 months, another girl is beside me, smiling along with me. That if you were a third party looking at the scene, you might mistake him smiling at her, not at me.

I took all of this very easily yesterday when he told me. I know I would. From the very start, when people ask me about what I am going to do when we break up, I envisioned myself sitting beside him calmly hearing his side about the break up, weighing if it’s reasonable or not. I said to myself, the only reasonable thing that would make me not cling to him if he does not love me anymore. If it faded away, I’ll understand. I did, didn’t I?

I did a very good job yesterday.

 Even then… as I imagine that day, I know he’s going to be the one breaking up with me. Never had I imagined myself cheating on him. Oh. Such a strong word. He didn’t cheat on me. Yes, future me. He didn’t cheat on us. He waited 10 months to weigh his feelings before telling me because he loved me enough not to hurt me.

The thing is, I am not ready that there is someone else. I don’t know how to react to that. Well, yesterday, I took it calmly because a break-up is just too much to bear for one day. I didn’t know how I could hold my feelings so I will not totally collapse in front of him. I did cry of course. I guess it’s inevitable not to.

There! This is the partner of the couple
pendant above. ^_^
This was taken during our date as we sat on one
of the benches at SM Mall of Asia.
I repeat...
forever is an illusion.

But now, well actually last night, when I’d allowed myself to cry once more, I thought and thought. Truth be told, I overthink. Is he really thinking of me back in the PMMA while he was there? Is it really me he has considered of when he thought of quitting? He said I shouldn’t worry because, yes, I was the one he’s been thinking of there. Oh well, he even added I am the one he’s been thinking of when he’s with me. Sure enough. But is that supposed to appease me? Shame on him if he’s with me and he’s thinking of other girls- well, other girl for that matter. He’s only with me for what? Once every week!

It’s not my fault I went to UPLB in the first place, isn’t it? Long distance really have killed us. Well, him actually. And he killed me in turn. In addition to the 10 months, he said that it has been 3 months now since he discovered that he loved the girl more. How painful do you think it is for me when he said that? He even stated, with every excruciating detail how he knew. He said it’s because he’s had sleepless nights because of her, thinking of her. That he even dreamt of her? That he remembers her face subconsciously when he walks down the road. He should be thinking of me those times, doesn’t he? It’s just so painful when the one I love that keeps me going everyday in LB is not even thinking of me. Even while typing this, I get misty eyed. I don’t want to cry though.

DO I LOVE HIM? As much as I want to say no, I think I love him. Not loved him. Love him. Or do I really? I really don’t know. I’m sad and broken-hearted yes, but I didn’t cry a liter of tears. I am mourning yes, but is not really that mournful. Am i just saying this as a defense mechanism? To lie to myself just to get even? Am I just in denial? 

I really am confused with what I am feeling. 

I'm too young to know what love really is. And I've nothing to com pare these feelings to. But the sure thing is, I did care for him. Even now. I still want to caress him, to hold his hand and just stay by his side. Future me, if you will be reading this, answer this for me. Did I love him?

This picture is taken, obviously, at an LRT, as we are about to
go home after the super fun Star City Galore with him and my sister
last April 29, 2011. :) He will be leaving the day after for his PMMA
training so we had spent the time together.
Such vivid memory. ♥

The only thing I’ve been dreading now is the future. For all of what has happened, I can very much say to my very being that the break-up has done nothing to me. I can clearly remember myself this past few months whining and cursing things like, “It seems like I don’t have a boyfriend!” Maybe my feelings have cooled off too. Who knows? But the only sure thing is that it’s now official.  I really don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

I don’t know what to do. This feels like it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship and a through a break up. For what it’s worth then I’ll say yes. This is the very first relationship I had let myself be too involved. So it do feel like it’s the first time.

But what's done is done. It should all be in the past now. As I am thinking last night, reality hit me. The stability I long for isn’t there anymore. My plans and dream for the future is shattered. Then I realized, there’s nothing I want for myself that won’t include him at the end of the day. I’ve built my whole life around him. His friends are my friends. Our high school friends. Though we’ve moved on to our college lives, I did not fully immerse myself with my friends because I have him. He’s my best friend.

I lost my best friend. As this realization struck me, I smiled. Yes, the only thing that hurts me the most is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person whom I can call every time I want to hang out. The person I can call whenever I’m sad and depressed to cheer me up. The person I can tell all my rants to.

Well, this is the photo I created as an extra gift for
our 2nd anniversary. :) It is a collage of the pictures we've had
together for the two year duration of our relationship.
Such sweet memories. ♥

He’s my confidante, my best friend, my partner, my everything. The stability he offers is just too huge. To have it taken away from me so suddenly is like snatching a candy from a child.

I’ll try to catch up with Rana and be better friends with Nel. Future me, if you are reading this now, which may be 5, 10 years after, better be sure that you are still friends with these persons. I realized that I have made a huge mistake on drifting apart from them because I had a boyfriend. In Rana’s case that is. In Nel’s, it’s because, the only thing that psyched me up is meeting my boyfriend during the weekends so I could not bond properly with my friends over there at UP. I’ll really catch up.

As for my own case, since the break-up (I make it sound like it happened long ago when it fact it isn’t even 24 hours. Haha), the future’s been very open for me. A lot of possibilities have been opened. Am I going to be an old maid? Haha. I can clearly picture myself years from now without anyone. Maybe Im just getting ahead of myself. The only sure thing here is, I will never, ever do that anymore. The way I flirted with him and made him fall for me. If a guy don’t come in front of me and says that he loves me, then so be it. I’ll just then be an old maid.

But, as i speak of these things, how if i met a guy who I really, really love? More than i loved him? Will I take the risk? I don’t know. Guess I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there. Future me, have you already been in that bridge? I guess, that’s for me to find out years from now, isn’t it?

"The future is a dark, mysterious and scary place. But play the present well, and you won’t be afraid anymore."

Wilfred, 

Thanks for everything Wilfred. I don’t know what to do with our photos and every memories but Ill guess I’ll cherish them as I cherished you. I am happy because I’ve known you and because you’ve made me happy too.

I remember what my Speech Com teacher has told me, “It’s best for a college couple to break up then just get back together again. It’s healthier and you’ve had certain purposes in life. Not just things that revolve around the two of you.” I kinda agree with him now. But not before because, as you know, I am dreading the day we’ll break up. Is it wishful thinking that maybe 5, 10 years from now, if our paths have crossed again, you will realize you loved me really? Is it hopeless for me to think that the person who I loved will be the person I’ll love for the rest of my life, maybe not now but years from now?

Thanks for reading! :)

Ronagie

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Looking forward for Christmas

Awesome and sparkling christmas lights, giant lanterns, huge and tall christmas trees, these are all a nice wonder to the sight.

But, actually, to see the face of God is my heart's one desire.

So sweet, right? I was actually moved and touched by that song played earlier as I was having mass. Truth be told, I was even teary-eyed. Being the emotional, sentimental person that I am, I want to cry. Still, I find it hard to convey emotions in the Catholic church, especially during mass. A lot of people were there and I think people will be freaked out if I suddenly cried. That is the one thing I like in Victory, among all the other Christian masses I've attended. I've cried once and nobody cared. It's as if they understood why I am crying. 

Not that I condemn the Catholic church for that. Maybe, it is culture that Catholics are not very expressive during masses.

Anyhow, Father Betbet, our parish priest, was very powerful in delivering the homily. I just want to share the lessons I've learned. :)

Today, well, technically, last night... anyhow, it's the second week of advent. And Father Betbet is telling us that it is about Juan Bautista, the one who baptised Jesus Christ. But it's not just about the baptism but also about how he is a proud servant of God that tells people to open up their hearts for the coming of the Lord. 

Father even cited examples as to when people truly accept God as their Lord and Savior. He said most of the times, it's in the hospital where the patients are very sick, dying and is hopeless. Another is in the prison where people are sentenced a lifetime imprisonment. 

Bottomline, most of us accept God as our God if we are hopeless. If we have nowhere to run to. Father even said, "Hihintayin pa ba nating magkasakit tayo ng malala o makulong tayo ng panghabambuhay bago natin siya tuluyang tanggapin sa ating mga puso?" 

I was actually ashamed. Ashamed of myself and for everything. True enough, I come to God during my weak moments. I come to Him whenever I feel weary and depressed. I seek Him everytime I'm hopeless and in despair. But whenever I'm happy and gay, I always fail to thank Him, for giving me such happiness. I become too high... too proud of myself that everything good is all to my credit. I have forgotten that all the things I own, all of the things I'm proud of were given to me by Him.

I always say I love Him and that I accept Him as my Lord God and Savior, but I lack in action. I'm just pure words. So this season of Christmas, I will not only be ready for all the wonderful decors, for all the bright lights, and for all the gifts I'll be receiving. They are all just secondary purposes this Christmas. What I should be looking forward this Christmas is His birth. Until then, I'll ready my heart for His coming.

Good night everyone. :)

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The break up resolution list

So there. I just randomly clicked this in my folder: Letters Like a Diary. I've written all the files inside there during the first week of our break up, when the emotion was still so strong... when the momentum of writing was still there. 

I wrote this list maybe 3 days after, so that's October 23. I wanted to have a concrete checklist as to see my progress. Sometimes kasi,no, make that most of the time. hahaha! Tayong mga Filipino, sa una lang magaling. 

I wanted to make myself better. It's saddening to know that deep in my heart back then, it's still for him... for him to realize what he has lost. I don't blame myself. Maybe it's just a natural reaction, an impulse we women share. 

A break up resolution list. Must dos! Top priority.

1. Keep feelings intact.

                -don’t flirt

                -behave self

                -don’t go screaming for boys again! TOP PRIORITY

                -never show any inclination for boys

                -let the guy tell you he loves you first before you do. Otherwise, yes, you’ll be happy. For a year or so, then he’ll just find another girl whom he loves more… just like Wilfred.

2. Be prettier, a lot prettier.

                -take care of self

                -better hygiene (do cosmetics, lotion for the body and facial care)

                -know how to dress properly.

                -learn to have the “without effort pretty look”

3. Take care of health.

                -eat three times a day in LB.

                -eat snacks.

                -don’t hoard money if it’s for food! (remember, you don’t need to save money anymore, you don’t have a date on the weekends.)

                -eat a variety of foods.

                -drink a lot of water in LB not just every meal. That’s why your stomach gets bloated whenever you eat!)

                -have a proper exercise regimen (if not everyday, every other day. Just make it religious, habitual and continuous!)

4. Study. (Not harder. Because you don’t study in the first place. Stupid.)

Haha. And as far as I am concerned, I haven't completed anything in that list religiously. Well maybe I'll start Monday right and fail during Wednesday or Thursday. So much for trying hard to be beautiful. I can't do it. What can I do? That's not who I am. 

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Satisfied, somehow...

People don't have any satisfaction. Once you say you are satisfied, it never is final. Yes, maybe everything is all right for now, how about the day after tomorrow? Or the week after next? You never would know until when your contentment last.

For now, I am satisfied... very much satisfied as to how my Tumblr site looks like. With the conscious help of my friends Nikki and Krishna... I've got it through somehow. Oh, I almost forgot, Antone helped me too. ^_^

 I actually loved the result. Oh, let me have the honor to share the before and after photos.

So this is the before image. I was actually kinda proud of it. I super customized the sidebar. But then, I want it to be fixed. The sidebar here is scrollable. So I tried to use the little knowledge of CSS/html that I know. To no avail. I failed.

So there, as I was randomly, aimlessly exploring Tumblr, I happened to end up in my crush's site. And I actually liked his theme. So I looked as to where I can get it. Thankfully, I've seen it and browse through the available themes. :) Though the theme is not like that. I've customized it still until it suited my tastes and voila!

I now have my tumblr site that I spent hours creating (customizing).

So now, my mission is to have a more meaningful blogspot and of course, meaningful blogger entries. ^_^

I am realllllly happy this day. :)

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I know the risks, yet I do it.

Curiosity kills the cat.

When people stalk they know the rules. They know that there are only two options after it: either be happy about what you knew or be sad and frustrated about it.

Stalking does no one any good. But people still take the risk. Even though there is fat chance that one will just get hurt in the end.

But, for a stalker like me, I know. I know the risks. I know I’ll get hurt. Still, I get on with it. No one and nothing can protect my feelings more than I can. And as of the moment, I don’t want to protect it. So no one needs to hide anything from me. I want to know. With that, it’s my responsibility to handle the pain it may cause. But handling it won’t be much of a problem ‘coz right now, I want it to feel pain… masochistic as it may be, I want to… to know it’s real. To know they have been real.

What you don’t know won’t kill you, true enough. Still, it’s always better to know and to be hurt than to don’t know and not be hurt. At least you won’t be bugged by the question “What?” for the rest of your life. What does she look like? What are her assets? And a lot of things that COULD be the answer to a lot of questions unfolding onto your head.

Stalking a person is bad. But, will it be THAT bad if you don’t have any ill intentions AGAINST the person you are stalking?

I simply just want to know, nothing more. I do not intend to use what I see to blackmail anyone. I don’t have a game to play. To top it all, I already lost it before it even began. I just want answers to my questions. Questions that I think will remain unanswered for the rest of my life. So can one really blame me for resorting to this kind of low method?

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The Stars and How I Appreciate their Beauty

Dazzling. Sparkling. Twinkling.

It’s just so sad to know that the only thing that could make you smile genuinely isn’t there when you needed it the most.

Twenty four hours ago, I am sitting exactly where I’m sitting right now. But last night was bliss. It’s perfect. Tonight?

Tonight is a starless night. I can see nothing but pure darkness, except for some clouds shrouding the only stars bright enough for me to see. This kind of night sky usually gives me a moment of stillness and peace. But not tonight.

I miss the dazzling stars. I miss their beauty. I long to see them once more tonight.  I love the distraction these stars provide.  Why won’t I? Every time I take a look at them, it’s as if I am transported to another dimension with only me and the stars. Nothing seems to matter except for how they twinkle and make lovely patterns in the sky. Their beauty is enough for me to forget. 

So I miss those stars. I miss them especially now that I need their beauty to contemplate positively, to motivate me to think of happy thoughts and eradicate all the negative things and bitterness in me.

 Because tonight is a special night. It’s the first of December. The first of the 31 days where I have to be strong and not to struggle with the fact that he’s not with me this Christmas. The first Christmas I’ll have without him. 

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Of Decisions and Confusions

My life is an open book.

I often say that. Practically because, I have nothing to hide. I am just a person, committing mistakes every now and then. Besides, I don't have any awful secrets to hide in the first place.

Yet, I broke that rule. I protected my tweets just a while ago. It seems a petty issue to discuss but I feel heavy bout it. I decided to do that 'coz it seems unfair. He can see right through me, when I can't. I am actually offended in the first place, though I don't why I should be.

I wanna stop thinking bout it. Better, I wanna stop dreaming bout him.

I wanna stop all the bitterness. So as not to feel any pain.

I wanna not be affected. But it just simply hurts.

To know he doesn't care. And he never will.

I don't know. But deep in the recesses of my very being, I know that he cares. In my subconsciousness, I know he does things he thinks is righteous. Who knows? Maybe he's just protecting my feelings from further pain by seeing through my own eyes that he really doesn't care MUCH about me now.

And the stubborn little me asks "why?" Why is there a need? I am a big girl now. I should be able to handle myself for everything I hear and see. On this twisted head of mine, I feel that people really should stop thinking the worst of me and give me more credit.

I can handle myself. I know I can. No need to protect me whatsoever. The pain is there already. A little more of it won't be much to notice.

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Distance

Distance should never be a problem to two persons loving each other. With the new media we have today,
it is very much possible to interact and show your love to one another. Long distance relationship
is hard yes, it is a matter of trust, absolute trust to the person you love. At the same time,
it is also your responsibility to do something to keep the sparks going. Relationship is a work.
Never let the sparks die. As they say...
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But too much absence makes the heart forget."

It’s easy to forget these days. Distance is really something. It can be a friend or a foe. You would not want it to be the latter. It’s powerful enough to break someone. Yet, at the same time, it can heal the pain.

I never imagined myself going away. I’m not a coward. I face things, obstacles they may be, straight on.  I am kind of masochistic too. Maybe it’s because of my pride, I do not back down. So I do not want to resort to distance to forget and heal. But, I guess that makes me who I am now. I am strong.

But due to the fact that distance is really with me (I study at University of the Philippines Los Banos but I am from Taguig), I cannot help it.

Distance made us weak. Rather, distance made him weak. Hopefully, it will be a friend to me and make me stronger. 

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