Of Privacy and Misunderstandings

I should have been doing something more important than writing this blog entry. I should have been doing my 10-page narrative script due tomorrow.

But I couldn't help it. I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate if I forced myself to go acads mode.

This is mainly the reason why nowadays I prefer a personal diary. A personal diary would never, ever betray you. Plus, it isn't prone to misunderstandings. It's really sad that all the things you put online, though you think no one will read it anyway so it's fine, can be used against you.Seriously. Enough.

I hate the feeling that I cannot convey my feelings well.
I hate the feeling that I cannot get my points through.
I hate the feeling that I am not effective as a communicator, let alone practice Development Communication if this simple expression of feelings, someone out there is offended.

I mean not to offend so I'm saddened that someone is.
I mean not to hurt so I'm saddened that someone is.

Also, I mean no harm, I just want to express my innermost thoughts and feelings so I am saddened that someone actually thinks I'm some obnoxious crazed ex who does nothing but to create social networking accounts so that I can freely rant on the internet.


IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINKS OF ME THAT WAY.
But then again, why should I be affected? In the first place, that someone is in no place to judge me, or create assumptions of why I'm doing things. That someone doesn't know me.

IT'S JUST SO SAD THAT ALL THE RESPECTS I GAVE TO THAT SOMEONE ISN'T WORTH IT. I respect that someone enough not to rant about her, yet she still says I do. I respect that someone enough to keep a low profile and not openly criticize her in the net or anywhere. I just keep it to myself. And there she goes, tipping me off by posting "pathetic, if you ask me" as a description about my blog. O_O

SHE ALREADY SAID SORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT I AM JUST SAD. REALLY, REALLY SAD. Masyado mo kasing pinapalabas na napakasama kong tao. Na napaka immature ko. Na ako pa yung ayaw tumigil. For goodness sake! Wala akong ginagawang masama sayo. HINDI KO ALAM KUNG ANO YUNG MGA SINASABI MONG RANTS TUNGKOL SAYO.


Thinking now, AND I DID RANT ABOUT HER. TSK. But I swear, this is the first time. Dunno what she's talking about. Plus, I'm so bait when I posted a note to her ans she's like so galit nung nagreply. WTH? What am I doing to you?!

Sorry friends. just had to let it out. O_O
Malayo yung diary ko para magsulat. :P

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An Open Letter to You. Yes You.

I rant.

Coz it's the only thing I can do.

I'm blue.

'Coz he left me for you.

Dear girl,

I think it's about time to address you. And I think it's about time that you know my side of the story.

Do you know what he said to me when he broke up with me? He said he's in love with somebody else. I was quite shocked, because I thought everything was fine between the two of us. In every way, I am clueless. Clueless that he fell out of love during the latter course of our relationship.

Empathize with me darling. Put yourself in my shoes. You love your boyfriend very, very much. And that didn't fade as the time passes by. In fact, the love you felt for him is exactly as strong as how you felt at the beginning, even growing stronger as each months pass by. The sparks didn't fade, that's why you're very much excited to go home every week to see him.
Then all of a sudden, you'll hear him say, "I love somebody else." Ever thought of how, exactly how much, did that hurt? I have no inkling whatsoever that he loses interest in me, in us. And when I asked him how long has he had an interest on you, he said 10 months. Dear, understand. Won't you be shocked if you knew that almost half of your relationship, was well, practically a lie?

Also, hear me out. He has had 10 months to get over me already, while I have only what? The day from November 20 up to now. And eversince Nov. 20, he has been very vocal and sweet about the love he felt for you which was actually his personality. I don't blame him or you for that. It's not your fault that you fell in love with each other. But, just imagine how would that make me feel. And imagine, that for the first few weeks of our break-up, I have been imagining on how he became so in love with you while still in a relationship with me. Of how he unconsciously flirts with you at school, and you smiling back at him. Or how both of you felt when chatting with each other while playing SIMS. I'm a writer. I'm a dreamer. Most of all, I'm a hopeless romantic. That is why I can very much imagine with such vividness. Try to think of yourself imagining the one you love the most having a nice, sweet time with another girl WHILE YOU ARE OUT THERE IN SOME PART OF THE UNIVERSE THINKING ABOUT HIM.

Let me quote you, "It's sad when people judge me, especially when they only knew me from my blogs and other social networking sites." I haven't said anything against you, or even posted anything that may demean your personality here, or even on blogger. Frankly, I have nothing against you. So it's really sad that you used the word "pathetic" to describe my blog entries. Forgive me for writing a blog full of hurt, anger, resentment and bitterness. Back then, it was the only outlet for my very vicious thoughts. If not for that 'pathetic' blog, I may have gone crazy now.

I'm not telling you this for you to laugh at how miserable I had become. I'm coping. I'm telling you this so you can understand what great impact it has caused me. The thing is, just because he broke up with me, doesn't mean it's over for me. I still had to get over the idea that the guy I love is already in love with someone else who's actually in love with him in return.

And words are failing me. No paragraph long enough can suffice for me to let you understand. You probably wouldn't, but at least I tried to let you know. It's about time.

Just a simple note ♥

I already posted this on Tumblr. But, what sense is there if an open letter to that person isn't actually read by that person? And yeah, I do think that the 'pathetic' blog you're talking about is this blog. Do not judge easily, dearest. This blog has been inactive since December 5. That's 2 weeks after the break-up. One cannot really blame me for ranting back then because the memory isn't just a simple memory, but a cruel reality that just recently happened.

As for the thing that how 'perfect' our relationship is, get this. Some poems are written while we're still together, I was still idealistic and love-blinded that I think it's perfect. C'mon. Every girl thinking they found the right one would think that. 

And another disclaimer, poems are literature works. A variety of meanings can be extracted and a lot of interpretations can be inferred from a very single poem. I have never said a word about claiming that "both of you are delusional to find each other in this crucial world " But, if that's how you interpret it, that's not on me anymore.

NYAHA!

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A New Year’s Resolution

But... seriously? Haven’t all of us created a resolution but eventually failed in following so? Typical. Ningas Kugon.

So this year, I did not bother to create a long list of what I should do this year. But if what I’ve done is a “New Year’s Resolution” then so be it. I just committed myself to actually live by these.

This year, and hopefully, it will be carried on to the succeeding years (if the world will not end by Dec. 21 2012), I decided to have a positive outlook in life and lessen the drama. Though I know that by doing so, I actually lose myself. My identity. My personality. When you ask my friends, they all will say that I’m that “hyperactive, crazy person who has a lot of drama in her life”.  To make their description worse, “her life is actually not that dramatic.”

What can I do? I need an outlet. I need a place where I can release all the negative emotions pent up in my head so as not to be a true weirdo. And school is that place. I’m a crybaby at school. For whatever reasons, I cry. And until now, I’m thankful for my friends that are there for me, comforting me all the way through. Though, they are blunt enough to tell me how stupid crying over some trivial matter is.

It isn’t the same case back home. There, I need to be strong. I need to take in everything, and accept everything however negative that may be so that I can help my mom lessen her worries. Being the eldest child, I somehow have this innate personality to be responsible enough not to be an additional burden to my parents.

But then again, it’s hard. It’s hard to live with the pessimism. I know my mom and dad did not want me to be like this. I, too, don’t wanna live like this. It’s hard. But I cannot simply revert back. It’s not that simple. If it is, I should’ve saved myself several years of dealing with my personality.

So I thought about a way to help myself... and perhaps save me from this misery I’m going through. Maybe you’ll be asking, “why only now? Why have you decided to make a change only now?”

Well, the only reason I can think of is that I can’t bear it all anymore now. Back then, it was tolerable. Pessimism and the negativity is actually being a way for me to strive harder. The pressures that are on me served as motivations that I could still do better. That I have more that I can give. I can live up with academic pressures... the pressures related to the Supreme Student Government when I was still president... the pressures at home... I can bear with them all. Maybe because I know I am confident enough in myself that I can do it.

But now? No. the pressure is not healthy for me anymore. It’s eating me up alive. I lost my happy-go-lucky self. Yes, I am still laughing but I can feel they are just empty laughs. Self-pity, self-consciousness, weariness are beating the hell out of me. I’ve never felt this inferior before to anyone. Never. Now, my confidence about myself has been lost. I still believe in my skills, they are proven to be effective. But to me as a whole?

That’s the main reason why I need to have a positive outlook in life. So that I’ll skip away from my suicidal tendencies. The world is harsh, I know. But if I see it as bad as it is, well, I don’t know what’ll happen to me. I’ll be drowning in a sea of angsts, guilt, wallow and pity. I need to see the happiness of life. In order to do that, I must see to it that I find happiness in what I have.

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