Shall I send this? xD

                Hi! Merry Christmas! JHow are you? We haven’t talk that much recently and I don’t exactly know your endeavours. But I wish you luck in everything that you do and I hope you find the happiness that you seek for.

                I wrote you this letter a week after our break up. Please read this. Don’t worry. It is not a bitterness letter. It also is not a desperation letter. But this, my love, is a thank you letter. I know that you’re not the type of person who expresses in words or in any other sense, a person who loves reading and the words. JBut please, please do read it until the end.

                One day, as I was on the jeepney sitting, my mind was drifting. It was travelling through ideas, experiences and most especially reflecting on my present life. I’ve realized that I’ve been so hard on you. Forgive me. I was just caught up in my own emotions for the first days of our break up. But I’ve realized that I was wrong to do that. You’ve done nothing wrong.

                In fact, I should be thankful that you happened… that we happened. For the two years of our relationship, I’ve been happy, very happy for most of it. That alone, I should be thankful to you. You’ve done your part fulfilling the boyfriend you are to me. You’ve made me memories, bittersweet memories that I will remember as long as I live. I’ve learned so many new things with you. Together, we’ve discovered new beginnings, built hopes for the future and dreamt big and aimed to achieve them.

                That paragraph may sound too ideal. Yes, it may be exaggerated but it’s true anyway. The magic of words just gave it a new light to it. In this relationship, both you and I have had disappointments and frustrations. But that’s normal. Instead, aren’t just we supposed to be thankful for all those trials that we’ve survived that made us last for two years?

                Thank you dear. I really am. For some part there, I know you really- in your heart- do love me more than anything else in the world. I thank you that even for such a short moment I have experienced that feeling. “To love is nothing, to be loved is something but to love and be loved is everything.” I’ve already known how to experience that everything, all thanks to you.

                And be calm, for I don’t blame you of anything. It’s not your fault that your love for me gradually grew weaker and eventually faded as you fell truly in love with somebody else. In this case, the only thing I can say is thank you, for loving me enough not to give up on me the last few months you were deliberating with yourself. Thank you for giving me a chance… for giving us a chance. In the first place, I just charmed you to love me. You really aren’t in love with me in the first place so thank you because even though, I know that what we’ve shared is real. I hope for your happiness.

                Frankly, I don’t even know if you’re reading up to this point. Reading does bore you a lot. And for all the two years I’ve personally known you more than my own self, I am confused. It seems like I don’t know anything about you at all.

                You’ve always evaded talking about your feelings even before. It is always I who does the rants and shares my anguish. You just tell me your good times. That’s why in this situation I don’t know if you are just creating that façade that you don’t care. Because of that, I’ve envisioned two possible reactions if ever you have bothered to read until this part of the letter.

                First is that you’ll be touched because for one, I actually understood how you are feeling, that I’ve seen you through your façade. The other option will be this will just be another insignificant letter because the façade I’m telling you I’m seeing is not really a façade meant to cover up what you’re really feeling. But they are your real feelings. You just don’t really care. 

                I do hope it’s the first one. So that you’ll know how much thankful I am that you’ve been a part of my life… a part of me that I will carry on always.

     

                                                                                                                                                                           Love,                                                                                                                                                                            Ronagie

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Break Up Premonition

Still waiting at Joillibee EDSA, bothered and bored, deprived of entertainment so I wrote another poem. (Poem Number 2 as I said in the earlier post. ^_^)

Puso’y nagdurusa,

Puso’y nagtataka.

Asan ka na ba?

Irog kong sinisinta.

Puso’y nalulumbay,

Puso’y natatamlay.

Asan ka na ba?

Mahal kong hinihintay.

Nagteks ka sa akin

Di ka na raw darating

Ang sabi ko naman,

Sige ayos lang sa akin

Alam mo ba o irog? Kung gaano nagmumukmok,

Ang puso kong itong ngalan mo ang sinasamo.

Ngunit alam kong walang patutungo

Kung ako’y magdurusa’t magdadalamhati rito

Kaya ngayon aking sinta

Ako’y aalis na

Iuusad ang buhay

At mamumuhay nang maligaya

Di ko nais na ika’y aking iwan

At alam kong ako’y ayaw mo ding pakawalan

Nagkataon lamang na tadhana’y siya ng nangialam

At tila baga’y landas nating dalawa’y pinagkaitan

Note:  and when I realized I sounded like breaking up, I came to my senses and added this stanza.

Ngunit hindi ako susuko, pagkat mahal kita

Ilalaban kita sa tuwi-tuwina

Sana’y gayun din ang nadarama sa akin

Pagka’t kung hindi, pighati ang sasapitin.

PS: I am just typing this poem. Originally, this has been written on a yellow pad paper while listening to some girls fighting over a guy, think it’s a mistress and a wife battle. Anyhow, what I said above ^ was true. When I realized that I sounded like breaking up with him, binawi ko agad yung direction nung tula. What does that mean? :D

And then, I told Wilfred about this poem I have written when we were talking but I didn’t show him the poem till now, and maybe forever? He was shocked then. I thought because it’s the shock of knowing that your girlfriend is having the thought of breaking up. That’s really shocking. But I should have known better. For all I know, he must have be happy because by then, he wouldn’t have to break it to me gently that he’s been dreaming about another girl and is thinking of her while I was out there in LB, going all through hardships and smiling and keeping myself together because I was thinking of him. WTH?

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LOVE, BELONGINGNESS and LONELINESS

October 7, 2011

The first poem I wrote (in the course of waiting for my now ex-boyfriend, I have actually created 2 poems. Oha? How good is that? Yey me!) while sitting at Jollibee EDSA at around 9pm while desperately waiting for him. He’s still at UMAK, watching the awards night of the theatre competition, ARTEstudyante, their section participated in.

I was happy before I met you

But a lot happier after I met you

You gave me love,

You gave me warmth

You gave me everything a girl should want

With you I’m strong

With you I belong

With you there’s always place for more

I feel in love

I feel in bliss

With you time is always like a bitch

 

But as we grow old

Inevitability seems so posh

Our interests differed

Togetherness have lessened

Does that also mean… our feelings have wavered?

I guess it’s because of the distance too

You’re here, I’m there… with no phone calls or so

I guess it’s just normal

To be lonely and blue

A caption was written beside the poem:

Isang walang kuwentang tula na nabuo ko habang naghihintay sayo dito sa kainang ito. Mahal, oh mahal! Please come here na. I am sleepy and tired though I know I’ll try to wait for you as long as I might.

PS: Soooo cheesy nung caption. Haha. Can't imagine naisulat ko yun nun. :P

PPS: There is an after note for this poem. A note I've written October 24. It's full of angsts and bitterness so I decided not to include it. ^_^

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RECOLLECTION

This is the very first poem I've written to express my feelings. Just like with Jessie, my ex-boyfriend, who I have been denying up to now that has been my boyfriend, I used to remember things quite clearly months after we've separated, the date, the time, the place even what he have said. But thinking back, I have forgotten those memories which I can recall back then very vividly. Therefore, it can be concluded that I am to forget every excruciating detail and just remember the whole picture. I don’t want that to happen, so here is ‘Recollection’ a poem of how it has happened.

It was a lovely Thursday noon

I was very excited to see you soon

“Alas! After a long time!” was what I said

And I get ready, also a scarf, I shed

In a place full of people we both decided to meet

But suddenly you led me to a place full of green

The grass is calming and the wind is blowing

Then I realized that something will be shocking

You sat on a big square stone and urge me to do so

So I sat beside you like an obedient little fellow

An awkward silence passed between us

I thought it was normal so I did love the hush

But frankly I just didn’t know how I should react

It’s been more than a week since I last saw a smile cracked

But why does it feel to me like I’ve long lost your love?

You’ve been very cold to me but with reasons I did believe

So I turned on in a deaf ear that listens every word

Then out of that silence you called out to plaid

If I was still listening and hearing what you said

Of course I am. I am very much aware

 You even ask me what I was thinking

That confused the hell out of me

‘Coz you never once bothered to know

What I was really thinking

So when you threw the bomb right at my face

I really don’t know how I should feel

When you very oh slowly tell me how you reel

Those feelings for her that overpowers your will

I am in denial, “No this isn’t happening!”

So I asked you if you are sure at what you’ve been thinking

Then you said yes, and I was really frustrated

I thought it was just a plan to leave you incapacitated

You told me you love her better than you have ever loved me

You told me how her face haunts you in your dreams

You told me how her face appears in your memories

You told me how you became close when you played The Sims

I was left there silenced not knowing what to do

Yes, I’ve said I’ll leave you if you didn’t love me

But I was not expecting somebody else in the scene

So yes I am bitter and wanting to scheme

I then realized how pitiful I am

As I try to make you love me when obviously you can’t

I’ve told you to scale your love for me

And I got a 93

Then there she goes,

Simply walking pass by you

Then what does she get?

An amazing 96.

I did everything I can to make us last long

But I guess, our foundation is not just that strong

To surpass the long distance and withhold all the storms,

True love is needed and not a forced affection

I’ll really miss you, but what can I do?

“I’ll be here as long as you needed me to.”

You don’t need me anymore, so I have been told

So thus ends the tale, of the years we’ve had together

Indeed one can’t work out for true love to happen

It just simply acts on its own and attacks you in silence

But when it did, then that’s the time you use all your power

To make it last, for that’s only the time when that happiness is forever.

©ronagie, 10-21-2011

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